Confessions Of A Food Addict

“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”
-Gabor Maté

You’re my only chance at survival. You’re always what I turn to when the world gets too cold. Even if I wanted to, I could never completely cut ties with you. Catch me on a good day and I’ll say that our relationship feels like bliss. Catch me on a bad day and I’ll feel ashamed to admit that the bond I have with you is the epitome of toxic.

I can never seem to get enough of you. The moment I put you inside my mouth I instantly start to miss you. One serving, two servings, three servings, endless is the quantity I can have of you in one sitting. Too much of you and I lose control.In a matter of a few bites, I disconnect from reality. Suddenly time stops and there’s only you and me. You took control of me, now it’s my turn to use this weapon of destruction on you.

I hate that I love you so. You’re my favorite worst enemy. Why do I think of you day and night? When I feel fucked up you know all too well how to make it right. I wish I could escape you. But the faster I try to run from you, the more I realize how I could never do this life thing without you.

The junkie in me hates to admit it but you regulate me. You comfort me. You taste like happiness. Your presence makes me forget about my unrelenting sadness. When you’re gone for too long I become lifeless. You have it all - emotional manager, coping mechanism, trauma’s gag reflex. I hate that you play all these roles for me. The moment I think of replacing you, I get stuck in the tentacles of withdrawal.

I can hear them talking. But I’m only half listening. I can’t help it, I’m daydreaming of you. Impatiently planning in my mind the next time I’ll be binging. I take you in, but as soon as I do, I want you out. Guilt and shame are the name of the fucking game. The crash after the high. You bring me to heaven only to drag me back to hell. You’re a dangerous escape. The best worst mistake. But I no longer want you to have a say in my fate.