Fathers and Sons: Adult Initiation.

In this article you will learn:
How in us "adults" the "childhood" principle is manifested;
The consequences of permissiveness in education;
The consequences of totalitarianism in the family and constant restrictions;
But what if the parents themselves were immature?

Parents are different. Some allow everything, others - restrict everything, and others ... Just the third - those who know how to maintain a balance between healthy restrictions and freedom - are few. Most parents themselves have not matured. But in order to raise a happy child, you yourself need to become a happy adult.

In each individual there is a conflict between the “child” and the “parent”. The child wants to subordinate the whole world to his desires and requires the immediate fulfillment of what he wants. In the event that adults do not or do not give what the child wants, the world collapses - the child throws a tantrum, gets offended, cries, demands, gets angry (depending on the behavioral scenario and the reflex reactions of the individual). The child cannot wait, he is categorical in his demand, for him there are no excuses and explanations - he wants to get this toy right now. If, for some reason, parents cannot buy it at the moment, then the conflict develops into a global catastrophe.

Always say yes"
What is required of an adult at the time of child dissatisfaction? First of all, it is necessary to explain to the child why he cannot buy this toy and say a solid “no.” If the parent is weak, the child will make him do what he needs.

So he will assert himself over the adult and will understand that now he is the main one. An adult can be manipulated by hysteria, refusal to eat, from the toilet, from sleep, or maybe a disease (the sick child will not be denied anything). From this moment, the power in the family belongs to the little tyrant-narcissus. Getting what he wants, the child immediately loses interest in him and begins to demand a new one. A spoiled child will always be missing something; he will always be unsatisfied. Parents, reveling in their love for the child, will try their best to give him the best and most expensive, but in return they will receive discontent and the demand for more instead of the expected gratitude.

With age, the requirements of the child will increase in proportion to his needs. Parents will give their child the best education, housing, car, chic clothes ...

But your already adult child will begin to accuse you that you are doing everything wrong. This will be for him an excuse for the lack of their own interests and aspirations. Such a child is totally free and does not hear anyone, he is not used to obeying - any restriction will cause aggression and rejection on his part. He will fall into extreme, dangerous conditions - try alcohol, drugs, sex without borders. He does not know the word “no” and is a danger to himself. The instinct of self-preservation does not work for him and the mechanism of action is violated.

But he just does not know how to do anything - you did not teach him, you did everything for him and for him. And now you expect that he, an adult, will start to do something? But he cannot, does not know how! He is still small and insecure. More than anything, he is afraid to make a mistake. He was a king, how can he lose his status now ?! The king must be impeccable! If someone sees that he is imperfect, then power and control will disappear.

What happens when a spoiled child enters the real world? He will see that other people do not want to fulfill his requirements and do not recognize his authority. He will not be able to understand why this is happening. It is impossible for him to admit his mistake, which means that you need to find the guilty party - parents, the world, God, everyone. In addition, such a child will always find tools for manipulating people, assert himself at the expense of others, and subjugate the victims, who must do everything for him and for him. He will always be few. Nothing can fill the gaping hungry void inside him.

In fact, in this "void" lives a child who wants to be limited and said "no." Then he will be safe, because adults know the world better, they have experience, but the child does not. He can do stupid things, but if adults say no, they show the child its importance, love for him. Adults are the main ones, the child is not. This will make him angry, but then he will understand that adults know better that they have authority. For a small person, an “adult” responsibility is an unbearable burden. He must learn from adults, listen to them. In this case, when he grows up, he will be able to do something and learn from others. He will not be afraid to make a mistake, because any mistake can be corrected, and you can also ask adults for advice, and they will always be happy to help.

Always say no
There is a flip side to the coin - when a child is always told “no,” they are limited in everything, they are not allowed to go for walks, they are not allowed to have what they want ... Such a child has the confidence that he will never be able to get what he wants, he is not understood and they don’t hear.

In this case, the scenario is included “I want total freedom, I will do everything myself (myself). I myself will buy a toy for myself, I will make money for everything, I don’t want to depend on anyone, I will achieve everything myself, and no one will be able to control me, no one will deprive me of my freedom. I will prove to them that I can, that I am smarter and more important. ” These children, in spite of adults, are trying to learn, work hard and hard, make a career, become workaholics and really achieve everything themselves.

Over time, accumulates an infinite weariness and discontent, which turns into a claim to their parents, partners or to God: "no One is doing anything for me, why should I (should) do everything by himself (itself)?!" All partners next stop to do something and waiting for this man to decide and do. He has already proved to the parents and everyone around that cooler that no one will be able to manage what he can make independently. But at the same time he endlessly wants someone at least have done something for him or to him, he is an adult, wants to lose this freedom, and agree on limitations. But he doesn't know how to do it – how to relax and trust someone, to recognize someone in charge. He doesn't know how to get what you want, not earn it through hard work. "I don't know how could anyone not know!" is the most complex stage of awareness.

Great "little" parents
In both the above cases, the manifest conflict between freedom and restrictions, competition between adult and child, and their struggle for power. A child comes into this world knowing nothing and learning to know him in contact with adults. In his understanding, the whole world should revolve around him and for him. Since its appearance in the world everything revolves around him, and in his knowing the nature of the generated reflex patterns of self-centeredness. It seems that it always will be. He is in the center, he is the chief, he wants to compete with father or mother. But he needs an adult who will show him that he is important and necessary, but not the main one, and also that there is a hierarchy, and the younger should obey the elder. The child needs to obey the authority of an adult, then he can have it all to learn.

But the problem is that most parents themselves are not initiated into adulthood children. They don't know how to be adults, and try to prove it, samoutverzhdayas by younger, through cruelty or severe restrictions, bans, punishments or ignoring, passing the buck. Not grown-up parents do not know how to build relationships with children, often suffer and, as a consequence, are unable to show their children how to be happy.

The degrees of knowledge
Of course, the child has many questions: "How is it that parents are my creators, as adults, teach me, command me, and they themselves are doing everything wrong?! As they believe, to obey, if they are being selfish and unfair? How to respect, how to ask them for advice if they themselves do not know?"

These questions are fair, but the problem is that once you lose trust and doubt the truth of the parent, the child is no longer able to distinguish where the restriction or the punishment was fair or not. The child already understands when parents are right and when not.

He questioned any of their actions, considers them below and stupider than himself, and therefore wants to be more important than parents. But since the child did not accept the authority of teachers, it was always going to prove to the world, and actually – to himself that he is the most intelligent and the main, at the same time doubting it. After all, he had no experience and knowledge possessed by adults.

This conflict can be resolved by recognition that the child is small, parents the large. The recognition that small can not only know but can learn from large.

In this case, the resistance begins at the level of military confrontation. How a child can recognize a selfish parenting, cruelty, coldness, irresponsibility?

No way.

Sometimes in therapy one has to admit that parents may be wrong, that they are small, that they can be both bad and good, and that the child is not to blame, and the behavior of adults was inadequate. It all depends on specific cases and scenarios.

The child must admit that he will never be able to get the parent he wants. Or admit that he does not know everything, and his parents needed to stop him, and this is not violence and restriction, but care and love. In harmonious education freedom and restriction are necessary, but both should be in moderation. The main function of the parents is to explain to the child why and why the adult does this: recognize that the adult may also be wrong; Do not punish, but explain why you can’t do this; to say no is justified, but in the affirmative. Then the knowing nature of the child will receive the necessary answers, and not come up with them and draw selfish conclusions at the time of resentment. When a child knows something, he is no longer so scared.

The next step in understanding the conflict between fathers and children will be the recognition that no matter how we would like to accept our earthly parents, they will still cause us doubt. It is natural that the parents are not perfect - all people can be both bad and good, they put in the right and wrong advice, all are fair and unfair. Therefore, within us there is always a call and a search for the spiritual Mother and Father, Anima and Animus. There comes a time when we need to recognize the presence of the Supreme idea of ​​God, the idea of ​​the Spirit, who is above duality and knows how to do everything in the best way. We certainly can trust him, we can obey him, and we can recognize him as the main thing.

And this Spirit is within us. This is the adult we need so badly. Such an adult can take care of the child and can teach him everything.

In fairy tales, the archetype of this spiritualized adult is manifested as Fairy-godmother from Cinderella, Evil stepmother from Snow White, cow in Tiny-Khavroshechka, Santa Claus in Frost, Baba Yaga and other mysterious old women and old men. These can be spiritual guides in the form of animals - the bilano-Savras horse Sivka-burka, the Firebird, the Serpent Gorynych and other characters who prompt and direct, test and verify. All this initiates the child, transforms him and helps him become an adult, hero or heroine on the way to a happy life.

In real life, every person who meets on our path is such a spiritual guide or teacher. When you make sense of everything that happens to you in life, you learn to see and understand every event and action, every contact. Then you can easily accept everything that is given to you, and everything that is not given - there is a reason for everything.