Paul Says: "Cope With It"

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(Edited)

Where attention goes energy flows, dontcha know? Watch out for that hailstone, don't let it hit ya in the head, just look the other way and focus on a sunny day.



Josemdelaa, Pixabay

Paul knew, he knew all too well how ridiculous this way of thinking was at times.

It was his 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Nami, who always gave a critique in weekly progress reports. How could she know that this would be perceived as a "bad report" by Paul's father? How could she know that he would have to eat his weekly report, every week?

Paul would try so hard to be a good boy, but nothing he did would escape a critique. It was just her way of trying to help her students improve where she thought they needed improvement.

One week, Paul didn't say a word for an entire week, sat in class like a statue, and aced all of his tests. The critique was that he needed to participate more. If he participated more, he risked her saying he needed to "calm down."

Paul focused all his energy on getting a perfect weekly report, but a perfect report was not possible, because Mrs. Nami did not believe in perfection. Paul thought this was pretty reasonable, even in 3rd grade, and couldn't understand his fathers psychopathic logic.

Paul often wondered what Mrs. Nami would have thought if she could bear witness to Paul ingesting his weekly progress reports while his father screamed at him and called him a failure. Paul wondered if she would have kept writing "bad" reports.

This was only one of the abuses Paul's father put him through. Writing for hours on end, standing in corners for hours on end, food gorging, asphyxiation, drowning, burning, biting, eating/drinking chemicals, close fist beatings, choosing punishments for siblings and mother while being forced to watch, forcing of beating one another, were all part of the psychopaths repertoire.

The psychological torture Paul considered the worst. He would often beg his father to beat him and get it over with. Sadly enough the beatings were Paul's preferred way of being "punished", because this generally resulted in his father "getting it out of his system", and even feeling (or at least expressing) remorse at times.

Even as a young boy Paul would ponder the dynamics of this abuse. Could it be that Paul's father felt like a failure and projected his feelings onto his children?

How could a person be so upset with life, upset with everything, feel like everyone was conspiring against him? Paul would often wonder what happened to his father at a young age to turn him into this monster.

Paul knew that his "punishments" were often a bit much, and most were not deserved at all.

Paul always knew it was something wrong with his father and not himself, still.. The words never leave his mind.. "Come here you dumb bastard" "You're a fucking failure." "You'll grow up to be a disappointment." "You'll never succeed at anything." "You'll always be a fucking bastard who never should have been born."

Like endless loops that spring to life in Paul's mind sometimes.

"Where attention goes energy flows."

Well that's all fine and well thought Paul, but Paul remembers trying to drown out the screams of his siblings and mother. Paul would listen to Jimi Hendrix singing "And so castles made of sand, fall in the sea, eventually.."

And Paul would make the connection, Paul would think "This can't last forever." And Paul was right, but no matter how much Paul tried to block it out, Paul could not.. His fathers yelling, his mothers pleading would override the headphones at times, and Paul would feel the sickness rise up in his stomach, the knowing that he could do nothing to stop what was happening.

Paul did escape it eventually at 18 when he joined the Marine Corps. He focused his intention on getting the hell out of there, because it was either that or murdering his father. Paul would have done it too, he was sure he could have made it happen, but in the end Paul had to decide if that was worth spending the rest of his life in prison for, and ultimately, Paul knew in his heart that he was not the type of person to carry out such an act anyway, and truly didn't want to. Paul also always felt a type of sympathy for his father, because Paul knew that his father was very damaged, but Paul still struggles to this day with thinking that any man could live with himself after carrying out such acts on his own children and wife, or even do it in the first place. Paul has never been able to reconcile that, and he may never, for it's not something that makes any sense in Paul's world.

Paul still struggles with this today, finding a complete sense of healing seems very hard for Paul, and even worse for Paul, is that he tries so hard to have meaningful relationships and so many of them fail, leaving Paul with what could only be described as "abandonment issues." Paul's not had a physical love life in 3 years, and Paul doesn't even want to leave the house anymore. Paul suffers from pretty extreme depression and anxiety, even though he recovered from addiction to alcohol and cocaine 3 years ago. Paul feels like committing suicide much of the time, and Paul is not even sure what keeps Paul going anymore.

All Paul knows, is when he tried to focus on ignoring problems that were persistent in his life, they never went away, just like many things in the world, and sometimes Paul thinks that "Where attention goes energy flows" mindset is just some new age bullshit coping strategy, because let's face it, bad stuff happens to nearly everyone, and they usually aren't looking for it when a giant hailstone hits them in the head. Were they thinking about a hailstorm before it happened? Likely they were not, and if they focus on "good things" in the midst of a hailstorm, it's not likely to stop them from getting knocked in the head again.

So Paul figures he's just coping today, searching for meaning, hoping he'll have a love life again one day, hoping he will be able to pick up his guitar again and feel motivated, hoping he'll maybe build another ham radio again one day. Just hoping, hoping for something.

The End


Thank you for reading Steemians. I hope you're all having a wonderful day!


Much love,
@futuremind



Posted with eSteem Surfer



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Mark doesn't know what to say to Paul, but feels compelled to say something as its in his nature to call others over to the sunny side of the street. Law of attraction, universal truth affectations are annoying at best at the wrong times so mark tries to steer clear of such pretentious offerings. Instead mark can simply just let it be known that he accepts Paul's experiences, words,and the feelings that justifiably come with these shitty slices of life. Mark would love if suicidal thoughts were not a reality and that the act had not touched his life, but denying the existence of such events and emotions is disturbing in its own right. If mark subscribed wholly to the where attention goes premise then he would have to simply ignore Paul's sentiments which seems appalling. What kind of human can know the suffering of others and choose to just focus on "the good stuff" ? Mark, can recall that his experiences with the holiday season and unwelcoming weather of winter has been challenging to himself in the past and suggests that Paul strives to not let the darkness consume him by making attempts to pursue aspects of existence that have provided relief or dare I say joy in the past. Mark appreciates Paul and hopes he continues to express himself and not bottle things up..

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Paul is very grateful to have a friend like Mark. Paul is doing his best to cope with the shitty hand life has dealt, while adhering to the idea that in some respects we make/pave our own path.

There's just no telling when that hailstorm will come. Paul actually remembers a literal example of this as a child, around the same time this story portrays. It was a sunny day, no indication of rain to come, and out of nowhere it started hailing. It was fine hail and felt like burning on the skin. The irony was Paul could not figure out what was happening, and so he kept running from the shelter of his front porch, back out into the hail.. Just to try to make sense of it.. Figure it out.

Paul's willingness to throw himself into the shit might not be a good thing, but that day Paul figured out what was happening, regardless of the negative impact. Maybe that is a good thing. Paul had no desire to ask anyone else what was happening, in Paul's world, he was experiencing some phenomenon that he didn't expect anyone would have the answer to.

Paul has always been a problem solver I suppose, but today Paul realizes that some problems just have no logical answer(s).

Paul is not used to people really/fully understanding and taking the time to absorb what he writes/says, so that is why it took Paul a few days to process and compose a response. Paul really feels like Mark understands and has a similar perspective in this life.

Thank you bro.

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Paul and Mark have a way of communicating that is special.They understand each other. They GET each other. It's nice for Stacey to see men taking the time to know.

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It's really nice of Stacey to take the time to absorb all of this and reflect. It helps Paul not feel so lonely and that there are some some really good people in the world who care. ❤️

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Really poor Paul. A very sad story .. A father who teaches his children by shouting or hitting will certainly make a deep wound on the child who will imprint on his life later. There is nothing left of violence apart from hatred and destruction.
Have a nice day, Sir.

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Luckily for Paul, he was a smart young boy, and no one had to teach him the difference between right and wrong because he figured it out on his own, and always knew his fathers behavior was wrong.
Paul didn't grow up to be like his father, and Paul forgives his father and no longer hates him, but the pain still remains.

Paul appreciates @elianaelisma's comment and says thank you miss.

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Hi, @futuremind!

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How many of us lived this life and never told? How many of us still do? Who suffered more, the father, the mother or the son? So terrible, so true. Great story.

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Yeah, there is so much pain and suffering within families, and so many dynamics. It's hard to know who suffered(s) more/most. Perspective is unique to the beholder, and the human condition is riddled with insecurities. Sometimes I think it's because of language and the hierarchical system we've created. I just wanna make love, have a garden, make some music and make some more love. Words need not apply really. Obligations, bills, and perspectives always screw things up.

I think there is probably more pain and suffering in families than most let on, and that is just sad. It's a sad world. I'm just trying to stay positive in my little hermit world that I've created.

Paul is actually Jake (me), and initially I wasn't going to say that, but after the first story about Paul, people just kind of figured it out immediately. Steemians are not your average bunch of people.

Thank you for reading and commenting @owasco :)

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