Depression Making Its Grandiose Comeback - Front Row Tickets For SALE
" Ring-ring, phone call from depression
You used my past and my memories as a weapon
On the other line, I talk to addiction, huh." -Juice WRLD
.jpg)
You didn't ask to see me at my worst but I felt generous today, so here ya go. These past few months I have watched myself fall apart slowly but surely. I could feel the dark coming in but I was doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to convince myself that I had it all under control. Denial, you don't owe me!!! (what a lie!)
Because heck, last year my mind underwent the biggest positive switch I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I was born again. I felt more alive and happier than ever and the best part was that it wasn't even situational. I was just high on life and hella stoked to wake up each and every day to run, read, do my research, eat my favorite foods and just enjoy the simplicity of life. For the first time in my 24 years of existence I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could potentially be cut out for this world. Or at the very least make it to another decade.
My broken brain decided otherwise. Depression is taking over and there's no keeping it at bay. The ship is sinking and I'm watching the whole thing happen like I am a spectator to my own personal hell. The thought of debilitating depression coming back is a terrifying prospect to say the least. Living inside my mind is like going to the casino on a day to day basis - you pray for the best, but you're prepared for the worst. What scares me the most is not what the day has in store for me, but rather what tricks my mind could potentially play on me on a given day. Gambling sux.
Even my favorite escape a.k.a running is no longer an escape.
Even food... my addiction is failing me... You could tell me my favorite restaurant meal was on its way and I probably wouldn't blink twice. Anyone who knows me knows that this isn't Sab material at all. Ok I still binge like a freak because eliminating emotional pain through eating is an art I've mastered for at least a good decade.
If you need a hand (a mouth) hit me up.
Don't get fooled by my painted nails... I had to force myself to do it. Because that's what depression does to you. It kills you alive. But you're still alive and you have to go through the motions even though your mind and your body are trying to stop you to follow through. Crying while doing the dishes. Crying while eating. Crying randomly. Crying for no reason. I'm like the joker - my outsides don't match my insides.
What can I say, even if life is a shitshow I still need to perform! Depression is making its grandiose comeback and I'm lucky enough that I got my hands on front row seats. (I hope you don't mind my self-deprecating humor. I only make use of it on Steemit cuz work is work and you gotta fake it till you blow it *oups I meant make it)
I am so sorry. You are a wonderful person.
@tipu curate
Upvoted 👌 (Mana: 14/48) Liquid rewards.
You're too sweet! Thank you so much @ervin-lemark. Your kind words mean so much to me! 💙
Depression is an asshole. Just when you start to let your guard down, he pops out the bushes with a Rick James 5-finger slap to the face. Or something like that :)
Wish I could tell ya everything will be fine, or that you'll get through it, but really you're the only one who can tell yourself that with any bit of honesty.
That's one of the worst things about depression is that it's personal. No ones depression is exactly the same, so anyone who says they know how you feel can kick rocks. They might think they do from their own experience, but that's only good enough to recommend some things that helped them and hope it helps you.
For example, my bouts of depression are usually brought on by anxiety. I'm a notorious worrier. I am also the type of person who will bite off more than they can chew because I like challenge. Of course then I stress myself out which causes anxiety, which leads to being depressed, which leads to me not wanting to do a damn thing except lay in bed and sleep. After whatever amount of time I'll usually shame myself into action. Which brings the cycle back around to the beginning where I start thinking I'm invincible again by overloading myself.
That is my experience. Most likely it is nothing like yours.
Point I guess I'm trying to make is:
Don't let anyone tell you how to handle your own experience with depression. Only you are able to understand what you're going through, which means you are the only one who can identify the best way to minimize it's effects on your life.
I wish you well and much happiness!
Ahhh I wish you knew how much your words mean to me @gatticus💜 It made my night when I read them. Thank you so so much for having taken the time to write this to me!💙
There's something deeply comforting to know that we are not alone in our own struggles. While I am aware of this at all times on a conceptual level, to hear about it from someone just hits differently.
Your words are filled with such compassion, wisdom and understanding. Can't tell you how much I appreciate it:) I wish you nothing but the very best! You're a gem xo
Aw shucks lol I just know how damn frustrating it can be not knowing how to deal with things sometimes.
To quote a true sage, "...you got to keep your head up." - Tupac 😎
Have a great weekend!