Who I am

I have lived majority of my life looking at photos of myself and being so disappointed in how I look. I have taken the joy swiftly from the captured moment and turned it into a self deprecating disaster. I recently listened to the book "Body Positive Power" by Megan Jayne Crabbe. It s a beautifully written book about how the diet culture has destroyed people's body confidence.

I have always made it a point to make sure that our kids, especially our beautiful daughter see me be nothing but positive about myself, although my self esteem has always been lacking. I remember as a child watching my mom squish her thighs, and comment how disgusting they were (my mom is 110 lbs and 5 ft 5) as you can imagine she was and is very small. This was the beginning of a poor body image issue from that point on.

I was in 9th grade, 15 years old, and I decided at 5 ft 2 inches...that 110 lbs was too heavy. I was in an United States woman's size zero, and could see the outline of my abs..but that wasn't enough. I decided to fast, from water and food for as long as I could. I made it about 2 weeks before my body started to revolt, I was at a friends house and started to develop my first real migrane, I was throwing up every where outside and couldn't see straight. My friends drove me home, which I am sure my parents thought I had been drinking, my friends carried me into my room and my parent's never came to check on me.

A few years later, I was pregnant with our son...my body slowly changed shapes and I started to feel the insecure thoughts start to make their way back up into my mind. I didn't lose all my baby weight from him, when we found out I was pregnant again. I lost that sweet babe, and I dropped weight quickly with the rapid swirls of depression flying through my mind. A few years later, I was pregnant with our daughter, I gained a bunch of weight and lost whatever body confidence I had left.

I have made it this far into my life never feeling proud of who I am or how I look...but not anymore! After this book, I have realized that my body is beautiful and capable. It has accomplished amazing things, and helped me get through this life. It nourishes me, and protects me and I have grown two incredible children within my amazing body.

Wes took pictures of our daughter and I last weekend, my first thought viewing the photos was how beautiful she and I are. Not how my body looked, not if I had a double chin, none of it was negative. I was grateful for the opportunity to have photos done by my talented husband with our little girl! These memories will come and go, regardless to how I react to them. It is a matter of taking time to actually enjoy those moments that are handed to me.

I am strong, I am capable, I am power, I am joy, I am beautiful, I am love, I AM

The photos were taken by @derangedvisions

Thank you for taking time to read my post!