Movies that Make you Want to Fling Your Faeces at the Screen - A Top 3 Contest Entry

in hive-174578 •  3 months ago  (edited)

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This is my entry into this month’s Top 3 contest, and I have to warn you there will be curse words, graphic descriptions of bodily functions and insane rants in relation to my feelings toward the three fine examples of cinematography I have chosen to highlight today.


This Months Topic is Worst Movies Ever!

We all know that feeling when you reach the end of a movie and feel that bitter little ball of resentment in your belly. When the remnant of your five year old self is screaming at you to throw yourself on the floor and piss your pants in a dirty protest. That feeling of disgust in the knowledge that you've just wasted two and a bit hours of your life on what can only be described as... a piece of shit.

Yes, I'm talking about those movies that you sat through with your partner or spouse thinking...

'What the fuck... I want a divorce!'

The movies that made you pretend incontinence just to get out of another five minutes of that utter wank. The type of film that filled you with so much rage that you wanted to go full on primal and start flinging your faeces around the cinema at all the grinning morons who were enjoying this... piece of shit.

No? Is it only me who feels this incredible hulk level rage when I sit through a movie that stinks like a proctologist's finger on a summers day.

Oh well, perhaps I'm a special breed of mad 😂

In brief, here are the three films that get me madder than a goat that's spotted a child at a petting zoo. Don't worry, there will be epic rants about each and every one of these three turd-esque films after this summary.

NoNominationMy Reasons for the Nomination
1Legendraj808's quick caption Review: Bag of Shite
2Harry and the Hendersonsraj808's quick caption Review: Soppy Family Fart of a Movie
3Twilightraj808's quick caption Review: Hot Teenage Girl on Vampire Action!?

Legend

This diabolically rubbish movie nearly ruined fantasy for me forever. In Legend a young Tom Cruise plays a moron of a prince who's whole reason for being seems to be to fulfill the over used trope of the prince saving the beautiful maiden.

After perving off her bathing in a pool, probably the only bit of the movie I enjoyed - I was eleven years old at the time - a befuddled Tom cruise meets a suspicious faun who directs him to a dryad like fairy who looks like an 80's teenager you would find throwing her knickers at the stage at a David Bowie concert.

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There are goblins, some type of odd giant demon lord who subverts our beautiful maiden with dark magic, unicorns and a dryad like fairy. But all of these tried and tested fantasy tropes are mashed together unceremoniously into a turd sandwich. In addition to this lack of any type of decent plot is Tom cruise who's acting is so wooden that he gives the dryad a run for her money.

The prince climbs a mountain, saves the princess and then they get it onnnnnnn in the cheesiest scene I've ever seen in a movie to date.

Seriously, check out the levels of pure shitery this movie reaches in the final scene below. It is almost sublime in the levels of cheese it reaches. Enjoy... and try not to fling any faeces.

Harry and the Hendersons

I can't actually remember much of this film, mainly because even at the age ten I had a reasonable grasp on plot and it took a lot to hold my attention. It was something about bigfoot coming to live with a middle american family called the Hendersons who then had to hide him from the neighbors... and hilarity commences. Or in this case... it doesn't. I seem to remember that John Lithgow was pretty entertaining at points but other than that it was a slapstick sentimental sack of hairy bigfoot balls.

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There were so many iconic films throughout the 80's and early 90's such as ET, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Goonies, the Starwars movies... heck I even liked Flight of the Navigator, that when you ended up dragged to some shite like Harry and the Hendersons by your Gran, you started to wonder if the old dear has finally gone senile 😉

Ok... I retract that statement. I won't hate on my gran, but I do hate this soppy family fart of a movie!

Twilight

What can I say. It's something about a teenage girl falling in love with a vampire... or is it a werewolf... I'm not sure how many times I fell asleep during this film. I'm slightly entirely embarrassed that I've even been to the cinema to watch this movie.

When I was 29 years old I was going out with a lovely woman called Sarah. She was a responsible young woman with a respectable job working in the freedom of information department for the police force. But she had a terrible secret! No she wasn't secretly into dark and deviant sexual practices, I could have handled that😂... It was much more serious, at the age of 30 she was completely obsessed with the Twilight books and films.

I sat through two of the twilight movies with her and I remember thinking at the time... this is why they say love hurts. I tried explaining to her once why everything she said about twilight was true... for a fifteen year old girl. That didn't go down well. This clip from Parks and recreation says everything you need to know about twilight fans.

This was the beginning of the end! It all came to a head when I said jokingly one day that if I had to sit through twilight for the 3rd time she had to come to watch a comedian I liked with me that Friday night. She agreed and it was a date.

So, I bought two tickets to see Frankie Boyle at the echo arena. Which cost me £50 of my hard earned money I might add. After watching this sketch from the admittedly acquired taste that is Frankie Boyle, Sarah proclaimed that she couldn't believe that I could enjoy such horrible humor, and four days later used the tried and tested method of breaking up - 'we are just too different.'

Absolutely true to be fair... I'm an adult and she is a twilight loving fifteen year old girl trapped in the body of a thirty year old woman. I also learned an important lesson that day. If you end up in a relationship with a twilight fan, keep your mouth shut about how much you hate Twilight! They're among the craziest of super fans.

Phewwweeeeee... and after that rant fest I'm going to sign off, go and watch twilight on my own and cry into my mug of coffee

Thanks for enduring this post about the three movies that make me want to fling my faeces at the cinema screen 😂

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Lol. I saw Twilight for exactly the same reasons. I never pulled anything of in return to the level of Frankie Boyle though!

Thankfully that's the only one on this list I've seen! :0)

  ·  3 months ago (edited)

It really is a dogshit of a movie... but my girlfriend at the time was just like that guy in the Parks and Wrecks clip.

Obsessed lol

Frankie Boyle is a legend. I feel like when I get going I can write some decent critical comedy... but ohhh to have frankie's wit and ball busting offensive clout with his comedy. My Ex who I took to see him tried to walk out twice she was so offended.... and I was like.... no I have sat through twilight 3 times with you.

She was a bit mad tbh, took life much too seriously!

stinks like a proctologist's finger on a summers day.

My, my that's quite the phrase there. Though I shouldn't have expected any less from such a wordsmith. I will gladly give you Harry and the Hendersons and Twilight, but I will fight you on Legend. Ok, ok, the plot might have been a little ridiculous, and I could have done without the final romantic montage. But Tim Curry as the Lord of Darkness? Come on. That get up was the stuff of nightmares as a child, but my sisters and I still loved watching it. So much so that @dksart even made me a special piece of art with us as the star characters...

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Well, you are entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong. The dpoll will be the true test, so good luck with your crappy choices! 😂

  ·  3 months ago (edited)

Hey @plantstoplanks

You're soooooo wrong about Legend. Yes, Tim Curry was good... but he was the only good thing in that movie. Plus he scared me about as much as my next door neighbor when he's gardening and his pants start falling down. Ohhhh the horror of the builders butt

Legend sucked as hard as Henry the hoover on acid 😉😛

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Definitely twilight is the biggest stinker on my list though, I'll give you that.... Although I would say Legend is a close second.

I'm getting out my wooden spoon and as Bob Marley said it's time to...

😂😂😂

Hey, to be fair Legend came out when I was only three, so I probably saw it while I was still a wee little lass. Lots of things are scary when you are that young. I think I just have a thing for Tim Curry in general--I adore Rocky Horror and thought he was an excellent Pennywise, as well. I'm sure if I saw Legend for the first time as an adult I'd probably agree with you, but it is forever embedded in my childhood memories so you're not going to sway me to your side now. 😉

I'm still surprised no one has picked 50 Shades of BS, but there's time yet for a few last minute entries...

Ha ha, in the spirit of less of my tounge in cheek trolling of Legend... if I'd seen that movie when I was three I'd probably have liked it.... and been scared of the deamon lord!

P.s. Rocky Horror show is great. There is something we're 100% in agreement on! I went out with a girl called Hannah when I was 19 who was bisexual and she loved the rocky horror show... I guess because the planet transsexual where frankenfurter is from is a bisexuals paradise lol

She tried to get me to go see it in drag once, but that was where I drew the line 😂 Where I'm from in the late 90's I'd be in serious risk of having to fend off a gang of four or five morons in town walking around in drag. I'd have done it otherwise for a laugh. Maybe I should have done it anyway and just used the high heels to beat the hell out of any small minded idiots 😉

My inner child accepts your concession. ;)

Oh man, how fun would that have been? A few of my girlfriends humored me and went to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror when I turned 21. We had to talk the theater into letting in our one friend who was still underage because it was supposed to be a 21 and up show. I think they served alcohol, though none of us drank at the time. There were literally only 2 other people in the whole theater, so I think they just gave in to make a few dollars. A good memory for sure!

Ok.... I do not know why I sat through that first video you shared. That was painful. I don't remember seeing that movie but the unicorn horn kind of says something to me but not the rest. If I ever did watch it, I'm glad that I don't remember it.

The Bigfoot one was horrible and it's been watched in my household a few times because the kids liked it. They have forgotten all about it and I tend to keep it that way.

Twilight was in my post as well. I cannot express anymore than what I have said and what you have stated already on how its horrible. And ya no arguing with the fans.

Loved your post. It was definitely a fun read :D

Ok.... I do not know why I sat through that first video you shared. That was painful. I don't remember seeing that movie but the unicorn horn kind of says something to me but not the rest. If I ever did watch it, I'm glad that I don't remember it.

i know right? I guess fantasy fans are spoiled these days with LOR and game of thrones and a few others that are pretty decent. But even back in the day there were good fantasy movies. Time Bandits was pretty cool, and even Willow didn't suck too bad.

Twilight... ha ha, don't get me started on a further rant 😉 I can't beleive I lost a girlfriend over that stupid movie... or well actually, it was probably Frankie Boyles fault 😆

I don't know about Time Bandits or Willow but there were definitely better fantasy movies.

Not sure about the girlfriend part but hey, it wasn't meant to be. Better sooner than later, especially when it comes to a die hard fan of Twilight. I say Blame Sparkle toes!

Legend and Harry & the Hendersons are both awesome classics.

Ha ha... well we'll have to agree to disagree or get into a 'you're wrong, and I'm right' movie showdown 😂

I hope you're at least not a twilight fan? @geekpowered 😉

No.
Tho the actress from that series is far less annoying in literally anything else.

Ha! I have to agree, Twilight was total ass. I'm big into horror movies but that was more prince charming trying to be an almost bad guy and they frign sparkled? Really? Ya, ass.

Hey, it’s Q here - the mascot of the Your Top 3 Contest - just swinging by to say thanks for these awesome suggestions for our contest this month! I've given you an upvote and logged your nominations, ready for the dpoll - keep an eye on my blog for the dpoll post!

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Hellz yeah this got shared to twitter!!!!

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I know how you feel about the Twilight obsessed freaks out there! Couldn't stand hearing about it so much that I never watched it, even though I felt like I knew everything about it! That Frankie Boyle skit is ridiculous haha!! Would rather see him than that steaming pile of Twish_te any day!

Thanks for entering the contest this month Rowan! Good luck with it, I think you might have a golden nugget there with Twilight haha

Yeah... twilight sucks the same big hairy bigfoot balls that I mentioned in the Harry and the Hendersons rant ;-)

I know how you feel about the Twilight obsessed freaks out there!

Honestly you should watch the whole episode of Parks and Recreation that I put a clip up of in this post. The guy playing the Twilight fan is awesome. One of the funniest comedy character performances I've seen in a while.

"The twilight books... it's a beautifully told saga of vampires werewolves and romance."

Says the 40 year old man called Kelly 😆

Definitely twilight is the biggest stinker in my list. Although I would say Legend is a close second.... which @plantstoplanks vehemently disagrees with!

I'm getting out my wooden spoon and as Bob Marley said it's time to...

Hahaha! Well at the risk of stirring more up, I know @justclickindiva would probably have a few things to say about your Twilight nomination 😃

You can stir the pot, I'll be munching on the popcorn!

Fitting lol!

Mnnnnnn Popcorn ;-)

Hey @raj808

Frankie will do that to a relationship!! Hahaha Funny guy.

I haven't watched The Hendersons so I will not go there but I trust your judgment.

I have not watched Legend in a long long time. I would have been about 11 when it came out. I remember thinking Tim Curry was cool and the main girl was pretty hot.

Twilight! Oh woe is me! I'm a pretty teenager that has two guys fighting over me! My life is so tough. What a frickin twat!! Lol Vampires are cool. Werewolves are cool. Twilight is anything but!

Great post mate. Really glad you have joined us again for this month.

Best of luck.

Gaz

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