Scotland, the untold history. Part ... #1 Beerfart and Wish Wash.

'History', as they say , 'is written by the victors'.

Unfortunately - for the rest of us, that is - this is often very true.
As such, we will only ever be given a biased view of the events that actually took place, and the reasons behind them.

Take 'Braveheart', for example. (The actual Scottish word, being 'Beerfart')

For the English propaganda machine to be successful, they had to show the mighty English Armies defeating the brave Scottish warriors across their northern borders.
They needed to have a worthy foe, otherwise it would all be a little bit pointless to advertise it.
There would be very little mileage in the whole thing if they couldn't 'pump it up' a little.
(At the time, they were trying to scare the shit out of the French. They were in violent disagreement at the time, over garlic and oral sex).

A glorious victory by the English armies in the wild Scottish highlands, over wild Celtic warriors, made for a much better propaganda campaign than, lets say, a culling of some boozed up halfwits, who didn't have the sense to stand in the right direction when being charged at, by the enemy. (this actually happened, on numerous occasions).

This is my attempt to set the record straight, and try to see the whole picture, not just from the perspectives, and writings, of the victors.
As history shows us, the victors were invariably more organized, less drunk, humongous control freaks, and pretty much really boring.
(But they could write, to be fair).

Factoid:
The Roman legions who'd built Hadrian's wall to keep the Scottish tribes out, didn't do it from fear, but from the disrupting influence they had on them. They could never get any work done with them hanging around the barracks.
The Romans were really boring. They went to orgies sober , for example. They only drank wine with food and never got drunk.
They were control freaks on steroids, basically - and there ain't no way you can control the whole of the known world if you're hammered out of your skull most nights, can you? (oh, and they also liked jazz. Yes, seriously..).

So I'll start with Scotland, and William Wallace – Braveheart.

Lets first briefly look at the victors narrative, and quickly dispel it for the bollocks that it surely is.

The official narrative:

William Wallace
He was born in 1270, and died 23rd August, 1305.
He was a Scottish knight who became one of the main leaders during the First War of Scottish Independence.

The reality:

He was NEVER called William Wallace.
His actual name was Wish Wash. (pronounced Wisshhhh Wasssshhhh, after six whiskeys).

Here you can already see the English propaganda machine at work - a worthy foe worth named 'William Wallace – Braveheart', had a far better ring to it than... 'Wish Wash - Beerfart'.

English propaganda goes on to tells us that 'he was a Scottish knight who became one of the main leaders during the First War of Scottish Independence', but in reality, this it just the English making up stories.

He was Scottish, that much is true, but a knight?

All accounts suggest that he was Scottish and liked lots of nights out.
And the only thing he ever led, was a conga dance at the Christmas party.

So lets leave the English propaganda machine behind, and look at it more objectively....

Firstly, the biggest problem with finding out the truth is language itself, and the misinterpreting of languages, when translated.
It is said the Scottish speak English, but we all know this to be blatantly untrue.

While THEY may think they are speaking English, to the rest of the world is sounds more like a really angry German screaming about having no sauerkraut all the way from deepest Bavaria.

Even the Scottish themselves have trouble understanding 'Glaswegian'. The rest of the world have no chance at all.
(The Scottish, affectionately, call the Glaswegians, ' the speech impediment German speakers').

Anyways...
....Back to Wish Wash, and Beerfart.

He became an alcoholic at aged 4, and then went dry for a few years. ( to start drinking once again, aged 9).
It appears that 'going dry' never afflicted him again, for the rest of his life.
His family were very worried about him at the time, of course...

No one had ever given up drinking before, not in the entirety of Scotland's long and (mostly double visioned), colorful history.
When Wish Wash went 'dry', the community leaders were even talking of an 'intervention'.
..in the days before social services, interventions of this type normally involved holding down the crazy person that'd 'gone on the wagon', as it was called - and then forcibly making them swallow pure whiskey, until the child's sanity returned...
Records show the main indicator of returning sanity was wanting to 'fight everyone', and asking for a 'kebab'.
(a 'kebab' being an ancient Scottish meal of stolen sheep, roasted over a hot flame with the wool still on, and then smothered in thistles. And boiled in porridge...With a sprinkling of chopped Haggis on top.)

In Wish Wash's early years, he learned how not to fight from his father.
His father was renowned as being completely useless with a sword.
He could stab a house (if he tried really hard), but in over three decades, he'd never managed it on a moving target. (the moving target being a stationary horse).

Recent footage retrieved from Wish Wash's burial chamber shows his Dad practicing his sword skills..
( the poor quality of image, is undoubtedly due to the Chinese dumping of cheap electrical goods at the time).

Wish Wash's father, Canna prod Mcstuff, showing his inability to draw blood from a house stabbing.

bonus clip just discovered!
...and here's Canna prod Mcstuff, displaying his total lack of ability to stab a waiting horse.
(which steemit won't let me upload for some reason...grr)
but here's a still for authenticity..

...And so we'll leave it there for now, and continue the saga of Wish Wash, (or William Wallace, if you want to be a git about it), at a later date...

Coming up soon....

Never seen footage of Wish Wash as an adult.

The truth about the man, and not the legend.
(it was very fortunate that he opened a you tube account to keep a record of his life).