#2...Scotland, the untold history... Beerfart and Wish Wash....The growing years...

in blog •  4 months ago 

Life was very hard for Wish Wash as he grew up.
From a child to manhood his life was filled with trials (not the legal kind, but the life experiences, kind).

Aged only 10 years old, his father - Canna prod Mcstuff - was killed in a fight.
It was a sword fight with a South American, who was visiting Scotland.

His sword skills were something at which he was famously inept.

(Part 1 if you missed it -here )

Canna prod McStuff, actually managed to stab someone.

Unfortunately for him, it was himself.
His last words, as he bled to death from the self inflicted stabbing, were, "...See... I can do it!... I wish ma son wa' here to see this..."

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This traumatic turn of events introduced Wish Wash to experiences that no child should have to go through.
Death, and going cold turkey.

He had to knock the coke on the head for starters -His dad was the only guy with any Colombian contacts, so there was no way that could carry on.
He'd miss those shared bowls of powder, that he used to have with his dad most mornings.
...Although somewhat a little less traumatic than the sudden halt of the Colombian marching powder, he also had to attend his fathers funeral.

Taken all round, it was a bit of a crap weekend for Wish Wash, it has to be said.

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Sottish funerals in the thirteen century were not like today's ceremonies....

Take the thistle for example, this is the flower that now represents the country of Scotland today.

This has been the traditional flower for the highlanders to use, to decorate their dead, for centuries.

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There's two reasons for this.

By far the most important one (well, possibly), was to make sure the corpse was just that – an actual corpse.

A catatonic state often brought on by excess whiskey drinking could potentially last for days, and many a live jock went underground, only to emerge from the shallow grave a few hours later, screaming 'what the fuck?' (phonetically sounding as "vass der fucken?").

To avoid this 'angry Scotsman with a hangover' scenario, it seemed like a really good idea to press several hundred very thorny thistles deep into the naked body, as they readied it for burial.

Figures from the Scottish statistics bureau: fucked off Scotsmen, A.D. 479 - 2009 , it would seem to indicate a ninety five percent reduction in 'error burials', once thistles were used in preparing the body (which is nice).
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A little known fact, and most probably secondary to finding out if your loved one is really a goner or not – is that thistles love cow shit.
The classic highlander loves nothing more than finding free shit.
Actual free shit is great but even this was a bonus....there was something else.

Magic mushrooms also happen to love cow shit.

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....And hence, the somber burial ceremony of a loved one generally turned into a rave style gathering as the 'funeral mushroom soup' kicked in.
It is reported that the act of throwing numerous rocks onto the corpse appear to have acted in someway as 'kicking in the base', and accompanying the bagpipes to get the crowd really jumping.
(recent studies have shown that psilocybin and scotch whiskey combined, have effects very similar to amphetamine or MDMA -ecstasy).

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Similar to the raves of today, they also enjoyed lights and twirly things, but instead of lasers and glow-sticks, they used torches and big swords instead.
It could be a bloodbath on the dance floor for sure. We now know that seven whole clans ceased to exist, after one night of burial raving, in the year 1236.
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And so, now fatherless, Wish Wash's uncle took him under his protective wing, and educated him into adult hood.
(where the fuck the mother was, we have no idea).

As he entered into his teen years, it was obvious that Wish Wash didn't take after his father in respect to swordsmanship, and by the age of 16 he could stab a house 'quite often'.
He was notoriously crap at understanding any directions given to him, though, and having zero sense of where he was, whatsoever.
This geocentrically challenged affliction, was one of the main reasons that eventually led him to his first battlefield encounter with the English...(the story of Wish Wash's GPS deficiency, will be coming later on in the saga, and at least one post away).

Wish Wash's right of passage, to manhood.

The Scottish highlanders had a reputation for being a bit thick ( the English propaganda machine played this down, and referred to them as 'cunning and brave', rather than 'stupid as a bag of rocks').
It was a well earned reputation, however - and one that the clans did everything to promote.

The coming of age ceremony...

As young men reached adult hood aged anywhere between 16 and 37 (depending upon the mood they were in on the day), they gathered together and competed against each other in the ancient ceremony of 'stone throwing'.

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The object of the exercise was to throw large stones at each other in an attempt to reduce your opponents IQ by as many points as possible.
The winner was the guy who ended up being a total vegetable. ( sadly, by the time the ceremony finished, the winners were never actually aware of anything anymore).

Wish Wash's initiation into adult hood didn't go well for him.

Firstly, most of his opponents couldn't hit him with a rock to save their lives.
Knocking his IQ out of him proved to impossible, and thus guaranteeing losing the highlanders favorite contest of the year.
To add insult, to absolutely no injury whatsoever, he had a severe handicap - he was really good at throwing stones.

He never possessed the strength to hurl large boulders like some of his red headed, neanderthal brethren, but his ability to hurl small projectiles, and miss a target - was non existent.

While this may serve people well in other, different, competitions, here this just wasn't the case.
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By the end of the games, he was the loser of the competition - by a massive margin.
He'd reduced the IQ's of all his opponents by over 25 points (and 3 brain hemorrhages) while suffering no injuries himself.
He was shunned and mocked for not losing any of his IQ at the games for 'being as smart as when he arrived'.

With nowhere to go (he never had anywhere to go, to be fair – he was perpetually lost), a girl at the ceremony took pity on him.

This turned out to be extremely fortunate for Wish Wash, as not only could she understand directions, she also knew her way home, and was the only hottie within 200 miles.

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I found a couple of good giggles in that story, upvoted.