The last nine months have been the hardest of my life. There were many days I did not know how I was going to get through, filled with thoughts of suicide. No matter how often these terrible thoughts entered my mind, I knew I would never follow through with them, this notion however did not make the torment of these thoughts any less difficult to bare, especially since it seemed like they would never end.
On Friday April 24th, 2020, I was having a particularly difficult day where I was extremely depressed. I actually obtained my first day of work in quite some time on this day, but by the time I got home I was at my wits end with feeling this bad. I immediately laid down in my bed and pursued a dark meditation where I was accepting that things will not get any better, that all was lost with how I feel, and there was nothing I could do about it.
After an hour or two of this, I decided it was time to speak with the universe. I got on the floor, grabbed a big piece of quartz and cried my eyes out - praying for a way to feel better, to be happy, to let go of what had happened, and to teach me how to forgive myself and also forgive all those who have hurt me even if they are not sorry for it. I started thinking about things from the perspectives of others, and realized I have also hurt people in my life, not to the degree that I was hurt, and not intentionally, but still...
I asked for forgiveness for very specific things involved with very specific people, I was detailed. I asked to understand how to forgive very specific people for the way their actions severely negatively affected my life, as I poured tears all over this piece of quartz. I said that I was tired of feeling hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and just wanted to feel like myself again, find myself again, & feel happy again.
Still severely upset, I asked for any and all good entities listening to be sent to me to assist in my growth, to execute that which was poisoning my soul. I then asked for involvement of angels and called to the halls of my ancestors. I told them I was not afraid, not afraid to see them manifest before me so I could see them, not afraid if they had to physically touch me, and not afraid to feel better and be happy again.
After this my energy was guided to the coffee table next to where I was laid out on the floor, to a book that sat upon it. This book was given to me years ago by my grandmother before she passed away, and it has managed to stay with me during all this time. As I picked up the book, I was influenced by something to read the phrase on the back of the book, and then afterwards open to a random page.
The biggest struggle I have been having internally is the message I thought I was receiving from the universe. I have witnessed karmic justice served to many people who have wronged me in the past, but since the universe has had my back on so many occasions, I felt the universe asking to work through me instead of for me this time - meaning the justice would have to be delivered by me. The other night a friend asked me how I knew if it was the universe telling me this or just the devil talking on my shoulder trying to influence me. When I saw this phrase on the back of the book (as if my grandmother speaking to me directly): "Sit quietly and do nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself", I was reminded that balance will be achieved without me having to do anything - confirmation that the universe will still indeed correct this the right way, and consequences will be appropriately distributed without my direct involvement.
This phrase also reminded me of the most important thing of all - the truth of my future. I was given intense positive energy in relation to opportunities about to manifest for me - ones I have been waiting for a long time. The best vengeance is becoming a powerful force for good and exemplifying it through your success in it's truest measure. I was reminded that I am about to drop some serious shine that will gravitate major respect and love from those I admire.
These realizations healed me in the only real way that I have felt in this nine month period - here is what I wrote in my astrological planner that described my feelings:
The Self-Owned-Souls Movement/Collective referenced here will be announced soon btw - I have had a long post waiting on my laptop since December 2019.
Immediately after this happened I felt like a completely new human, and prayed again that these feelings of self love and harmony would sustain over time and not just dissipate the next day.
As the next day came, I had an AMAZING final day red stemming and pruning my friend's plants at his grow. I showed him some of my music (new and old) and he was extremely impressed. I could feel that my true energy was back because I was projecting it and it was vibin' with not only myself, but also everyone around me. This led to some serious networking about a potential master grower job opportunity for a legal recreational cannabis farm, which also has other opportunities for expanding my music tied to it!
It seems the universe was waiting for me to reach this point to deliver divine abundance to me, as I would never have been able to harness it feeling the way I was previously. Once I could see and think clearly again, everything starting flowing to me all at the same time! (livin' the big lulls then everything all at once life - energy surge).
I also have been worried about how I was going to pay production costs for my new album Power of Truth - then today I checked the price of Hive coin and it had gone up over 300% in the past 48 hours! This brought my account value from about $850 USD to $5000 USD - and since I have some liquid H-coin, it is looking like my blog earnings are going to completely finance producing my new album! (still figuring the best way to cash out - all BTC atms closed in my area).
These two pages of wisdom allowed me to truly sit with what had happened to me with the understanding that the time alone I needed (even short lived) was what I was receiving at that exact moment. The red page hit me the hardest "Teach us to care and not to care, teach us to sit still", and finally allowed me to let go of what had happened without letting go of myself in the process.
I care what happened, it was a big part of my life that I will never forget, and I want everyone to remember one very important detail - just because you forgive someone does not mean you ever have to trust them again, or involve them in your life in any way. It is just for you to feel better and give the overbearing energy you have been carrying away - to be given back to those that gave it to you in the first place. I finally feel better and do not care to feel bad about it any more - and I know that no one who cares about me will ever put me in a situation where I would be forced to deal with this person (anonymous).
The fresh blades of grass are emitting an aroma that carry a message for me as I write this outside - "Your affirmations are correct, your spirit acknowledged, and your blessings are flowing to and for you - stay happy child of Gaia, you are always blessed - feel the love you are receiving". That goes for all of you too <3
Click here to hear my single: Shift the Focus on Soundcloud from my upcoming album: Power of Truth
My debut conscious Hip-Hop album The Hex Wrecker is completely free for download on Bandcamp & Soundcloud (click the links to go to my music on those platforms), or CLICK HERE for download instructions.