A mixture of ego and entitlement

A couple of years ago, someone told me I had a “masculine ego”. Since childhood, I always found statements that described me as somewhat masculine to be high praise. I felt like I was being likened to the more superior beings. You can’t blame me, my society forced me to see things that way.

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That being the case, I’ve realised that what’s generally considered a “masculine ego” is actually a fragile ego. And that’s precisely what I have. I have a phobia of being seen or placed as less than I am so I do everything I can to hide things about myself that might make anyone think less of me.

I noticed that I gain an ego boost whenever I have things for myself and don’t have to rely on anyone. I feel insulted when I ask for things and I’m denied because I normally don’t ask. I take what I’m given with gratitude and rarely ask for more, but when I do, a part of me expects that my request should be immediately granted.

So yes, that’s a mixture of ego and entitlement. The general idea of females revolves around our inclination to be at the receiving end. I don’t feel I should be at the receiving end but I won’t question it if I am, especially if I didn’t ask. However, when I do ask, I want to receive.

Recently, I’ve found myself to be in a position where I’ve had to let go of a huge chunk of my ego. I’ve been on the receiving end without asking for a long time so asking makes me seem a little too demanding. I hate it so much.

It feels even worse because there isn’t so much I can do for myself so I have to take whatever I’m given. Although it’s a temporary situation, I hate every moment of it. It’s unlike me to sit back and take whatever is handed to me just because…

I look forward to moving past this and going back to my usual egotistical self. Until then, I’m doing my best to be casual about it all.