The haunting prospect of my life
It is the silent agony of unshared dreams and compromised passions that terrifies the soul, urging us to seek the courage to choose wisely and love wholeheartedly.
I'm afraid of getting married to a woman beater. The level at which marriages are being dissolved today marvels me and some days ago while on tik- tok, I came across a video where a lady was crying and advising against marrying the wrong person, especially against marrying a violent person. Her words hit me to the marrow and I saved the video. Everyday, I ponder on this video and speak to myself against rushing things in life.
The greatest fear in marrying the wrong person is not the mere realization of a mistake, but the haunting prospect of a life spent unfulfilled.
Presently, I'm single and never ready to mingle because my ex hit me(I'm scared of men at the moment and would love to hate on them but I know there are good men out there). He hit me because I questioned him about some weird photo I saw on his phone. I asked a harmless question and he flared up and when I tried to explain why I asked, he hit me in the face. After hitting me, he started apologizing and tried manipulating me into forgiving him but my mind was made. I walked away and haven't looked back neither will I ever look back.
I am a very fragile person and can't compete when it comes to physical strength with no dude. I couldn't fight back that day, I stood in one corner crying my eyes out. It's not the first time he's attempted to hit me but this time he didn't hesitate and hit me thrice in the face.
We had dreams of ending up together but that dream is in the trash at the point. My fears are bigger than whatever feelings I may have had for him. Imagine getting married to such a person and during pregnancy, I get on his nerves and he hits me😭.
I had a relative who is dead today because of marrying the wrong man. He hit her at slight provocation. She miscarried severally due to his inability to control his anger. One day, he called and said she was no more and that she passed in her sleep but we knew it was a lie. She had bruises all over her body. The man was able to escape and I bet he's wandering free somewhere today.
There's no amount of advice that wasn't given to her but she let some silly love lead her to an early grave. When the news got to me, I was traumatized for almost three months. I never believed she would die in that manner, I thought love conquers all? In her case, love couldn't help her. She never saw herself living a life outside the one the man constructed for her, she did everything in her power to please a man to the point that she lived in fear; fear of the man returning home and hitting her because something wasn't in place. This is exactly my biggest fear.
I do wish to get married someday but one thing I've been praying for is a blissful marriage(if I'll ever get in one). Marriage that won't end due of violence. One that the foundation will be of love, mutual respect and understanding.
I'll never envy any relationship or marriage in this life(not even that of my parents), I'll never wish to have the same because I can't tell what's going on behind curtains. I need mine and I want it to be peaceful. I'll work with my partner to have a peaceful home but this is only possible when the said partner doesn't have traits of violence.
Getting married to the wrong person who is at the same time violent is my biggest fear. I'll never rush to take a man's ring, I'll always look out for red flags. I'm not perfect nor do I expect anyone else to be but violence is a No No.
This is my response to the weekend-engagement prompt by @galenkp
I'm so sorry, my heart goes out to you for having lives these horrible things, both for yourself, and having lost someone to domestic violence.
But I would like to throw in my two cents' worth ~ as long as you're someone who knows to walk away in those situations (and kudos to you for doing that. Seriously. There are so many who are cowed or manipulated into staying in abusive relationships, so that's no small thing you did.), as long as you know you've got the strength to escape abuse, then you won't miss, or mess up your life.
I don't know how recently this happened, but I think you need to give yourself time to process. I think it's normal after an assault to be a little jumpy, just as long as you keep in mind that not all men are like that, because that would be a shame, and who knows what wonderful experiences, and great love that could rob you of?
Much love<3
Thank you so much 💜.
It's very recent and yes, I'm giving myself time to recover. It's not been easy but I'm trying.
I really had to convince myself that not all men are like that tbh. For now self love is the ultimate.
Thanks again for your calming comment <3
You will. The human spirit has immense, unfathomable capacity to heal, I promise you <3
Always. How could we create good, healthy relationships with others, if we don't love ourselves?
Listening to this as I write this comment, and it speaks to my soul. It's a sad, old song, but I find something very freeing in it. So maybe someone else will too. Have a beautiful week!
I know but I just want to cry it all out.
Thank you for sharing this video with me. I'm actually asking the same question she's asking but I guess the answer is; that's just life.
...so cry. Don't suppress it, 'cause crying can actually be really healing, and soothing. You need to let that emotion out, and you need to give yourself space to feel miserable. A couple years back, I went through a very painful breakup. I was devastated, and just would cry randomly over the next 3 months or so. But now, it's two years later, and I look back on it, and all that emotion is gone. I no longer wanna cry, even as I have compassion for myself as I was then, and I'm so, so glad it ended when it did.
One day, sooner than you think, you're gonna look back on it, and not wanna cry, and thank whatever you wanna thank (maybe yourself) for pulling you out of there when it (you) did <3
This actually is my conviction. I'll cry in silence till I can't anymore and yes, Even right now I'm glad I pulled out the right time. It feels good somehow that I didn't go so far.
When all this is long past, you'll go further than you ever even imagined while you were in that bad place <3 Much love. Hope you're having a great week.
I randomly found this podcast (no idea who these girls are, but they have great insight and energy), and it reminded me of this post:
Thus is really powerful. I'm definitely checking up this account on YouTube and subscribing to it. The energy here is what I need to heal slowly. Bless you for being so kind. You're the best. Glad I met you💜
Apparently it was a lucky find, as it really picked me up too, and turned out to be needed (even if I didn't realize it). Yeah, it's lovely to know you, too <3
🤗🤗🤗
..I'm so sorry you had to go through that, hope you get well and back on your feet soon, there's a big world ahead to take on and I know you'll achieve great things.
Physical abuse is number one red flag. Glad you didn't look back because, someone like that would do it again and still abuse you emotionally.
Thank you for sharing your story😊
Very True!