I am so Flawed — Why I am always Awkward Around People?

I am not good at communicating with new people. In fact, I get so nervous speaking to new people that I become incredibly awkward. As a result, I made others uncomfortable as well many times.

I am not good at being sociable. I find it difficult to speak with people who are more than 6-7 years older or younger than me because they tend to be less mature and have a different worldview that I can't relate to. Well, it only applies to people whom I am not familiar with that much. Well, once I get to know someone, I can talk with them for ages even if we meet ten years apart.

On the other hand, I find it comfortable to initiate a conversation with people I meet new and who have some common interests. For this, my go-to questions are, do you watch football? Have you watched the Office? It's just that I find it less awkward to talk about someone else's passion than sharing mine.

Talking about your own passions is a matter of pride and confidence because people think highly of those who have deep knowledge in their area(s) of interest. On the other hand, nobody really expects you to be a football/soccer fan if you don't watch sports at all or don't even know any team or player name. You can probably get away with not knowing "the Office" as well since it never received much praise from mass media and was more of a low-profile show.

Since I mentioned THE OFFICE, it is not like that I have watched a few TV Series. I have watched a bunch of them, considering the amount an average person watches. I would go on and on about The Office or any reputed football team or country. This gives me the space to get out of my comfort zone. For example, I like Soap Oprahs.

But when they have no common interest, I find it extremely difficult to converse with them. I have watched many famous TV Shows, as I said earlier. Soap operas, sitcoms like Friends, Big Bang Theory, or a popular series like Game of Thrones. Or famous animes like Naruto, One Piece, FMAB, etc. I like these a lot as well. But I'm not particularly eager, to begin with, it. I don't know why! Maybe because these are so common, and I tend to seek people who have the same taste.

If I have to go on a blind date with a girl, one likes Game of Thrones; another likes Feluda/Satyajit Ray. I would pick the one who likes Ray, any day. Hands down. Well, too many pop culture references.

Mentioning dates and girls, I am not comfortable with girls! Never have been. I got engaged to my Fiance, whom I dated for 12 years. Apart from a fistful of girls, I can't talk to them well enough like my classmates and juniors. It always has been like this. For me, It takes a lot of time to get used to talking with a girl with ease.

Even now, it is always like this. If I go to a party, there would be some girls I don't know well enough, or I can count them on my hands. And it's not about the number of the girls; instead, I don't seem to hit off with any girl easily. When they often asked me for my name in an introduction, even when that person has mentioned her own name at least twice before asking mine (I could tell), I still forget their names! Even after knowing their complete profile, including what they do in life, hobbies, etc., I still fail to recollect them later in conversations.

It doesn't end here; if you are good friends with someone for a long time and suddenly you become strangers, what can be the reason? For me, it's ego, yes ego. And I have a ton of it. I have had such foolish and numerous experiences where I have done this, and I regret it. There are incidents for which I stopped talking with a particular close friend over such a tiny matter that I don't even remember it anymore. Thank God that I don't do this anymore.

I am also not good at picking up on social cues such as what others think about me. I have never been a people person. But just yesterday, an elder brother of my university mentioned 6-7 juniors of mine. He said, and I quote, "THEY OBEY AND RESPECT YOU LIKE A LEGEND." Yes, it's true, and my juniors always made me feel loved and respected. The list is not limited to just 6-7; it would be a little bigger. This is what doesn't make me feel bad.

I always think and will keep believing that if you have just a few people, you are close with, you don't need to seek other friends. I don't write about myself or my feelings. I just got some inspiration from certain people whom I like. I wouldn't;t mention them, but both of them are on hive. One of them has an impaired physical condition, and he said that he loves to write, thinking her daughter will have this one day to read. She would discover that how much DADDY loves her. (he posted more than 5k posts on and is one of the most reputed writers on the hive blog, if not the most popular!)

I can't express my feelings well. I mentioned my Fiance. She is now angry with me. We are not on talking terms,for the time being. She never reads my post; she just checks hive to find out if I have really fallen asleep or ignored her. What a sweet dilemma! She will never read this, but my love, my bluebird, I love you the most. You are the sweetest and precious thing that ever happened to me. This blog ends here, dedicating it to you. (I would never say this out loud, though)