LOH #65 // So Embarrassing. Thank God for Good Friends

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Honestly, I've felt embarrassed about myself most of my life.

Even so, there's an experience that jumps out in my mind when I was about six or seven. My family had just moved to a new State, enrolling me into a new school. I didn't know anyone. In addition, I was somewhat unstable physically and emotionally, for various reasons.

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But before I go into that, I want to say, in general, I've perceived myself as having had "foot in mouth" syndrome causing me much ongoing embarrassment, (giving rise to near relentless self-criticism).

Living with intense anxiety since birth I developed a pattern of unconsciously holding my breath. It took years for me to figure this out and I still have to remind myself to breathe. As it happened, from the resultant lack of oxygen, my internal panic grew even more. Couple this with having my brain somewhat compartmentalized from stress and instability, I'd often blurt something out I wish I hadn't said. Additionally, as a child, I acted out with hyper behavior manifesting as repetitive boundary pushing (from which I subsequently judged myself to be "obnoxious", (but somehow rationalized this, and other imbalances as a young adult as "I don't have imbalances - you just don't get me")).

For a long time I couldn't understand my behavior, nor how to change it.

With the considerable complexities I've been sorting through in my life I've dreaded having to interact in public, and only felt some sense of calm when I was home alone - a calm that generally set in after a wailing sob-session, followed by a sweaty, dance-and-sing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs session, all of which, thankfully, kept me chugging along.

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Being a #6 in the Enneagrams (The Questioner) I continually plagued myself with questions like: "Did I say the right thing? Did that person get offended by what I said? Should I have said something else or not said anything at all?" and on and on into the night keeping me awake with question after question of what I "did wrong". Most people didn't notice I did anything "wrong" or offensive - I had simply made a "mountain out of a molehill" in my mind due to both the adrenalin from panic surging through my body, and the imprints I held against myself.

During those sleepless nights I strategized on how I was going to "fix" whatever "mistake" I had made by apologizing the next day, (if I could survive the intensity of my fretfulness for that long).

Extreme anxiety and obsessive apologizing was my life.

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One dear friend, when I described the overwhelmingly visceral feeling of high anxiety in me, (which I rarely, if ever, shared - I mean I was the person strangers told their life stories to and then commented, "I've never told that to anyone before"), remarked to me she didn't get why I hadn't offed myself living like that.

Many years later another close friend pulled me aside imparting they had something important to tell me saying, "You're my friend. I love you. You don't have to continually apologize to me."

Hearing those words changed my life, (and I immediately wished I had heard them when I was younger, as I continue to marvel at how such a simple sentiment could effect me so profoundly). Since then, I've lessened my "panic-apologies" with thoughts of: if my friend believes in me I can learn to believe in myself.

It's odd writing this because most who knew me back then didn't know about this adrenalin soaked river flooding my veins, running through my body much of the time - because I didn't really talk about it with anyone. The only tell tail sign that something was amiss was my incessant apologizing.

In fact, I'm quite vivacious in social settings, often projecting confidence; and I genuinely love people, (even if it's been a bumpy ride learning how not to project my judgments onto others, while, conversely, learning how not to take on their judgments of me).

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So back to me being in a new school, at six or seven years of age, surrounded by kids I didn't know, oh, and did I mention I was sporting purple gentian violet splotches all over my face?

Why was my face covered with purple gentian violet you might be wondering? Well, I had impetigo, what's known as a common skin infection in children, mostly out breaking around the nose and mouth, and my anxiety as a child took outlet as me picking on anything pocking out of my body - especially if it was itchy. I picked off the mellow yellow (pus colored) medicine my mother would apply to the infected spots, of which I had many. Since I couldn't stop myself from picking off the pus colored medicine I was fortunate enough to be sent to a new school, in a new State, having zero friends, with dark purple splotches all over my face that I couldn't pick off.

The class was full of kids when I entered for the first time and took my seat, second row from the front, with all eyes on me. Sitting down I ducked my head (hoping my hair was hiding my face) picked my nose, and ate my booger. Someone immediately called out, "Ew! She eats her boogers!" and everyone in the classroom - about thirty kids - all burst out laughing. The image is vivid in my mind like so many distorted laughing faces one might see in a bizarre movie, all pointing fingers at me. I really wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I blanked out after that and have no idea any other memory in that school I attended for a year before moving back to the State we had come from.

Eventually I grew out of eating my boogers (and scabs for that matter) and it's embarrassing to even admit this about myself.

I'm still learning to heal my near constant apprehension around people but I'm far more relaxed as I've gained a lot of knowledge, and cultivated self-love through self-acceptance.

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For CALMING myself I barefoot hike through the mountains. When it's warm I cherish sleeping outdoors under the milky-way, the moon, and the bright shining planets awash in a sea of glittering stars.🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨🌟

I sunbathe naked.☀️

I thank God every day for the joyous opportunity to have these magical and nurturing experiences.💞✨

And I thank God for the truly amazing, and abundant good friends I have in my life, like so many glittering stars - I am blessed beyond measure.✨💓

Screenshot of me and my high school bestie.💋
Despite the miles between us, and hardships we may be facing, our lives are transformed into laughter, wisdom and mutual support when we connect.💕

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P.S. This glimpse of my life continues the "58 & Feeling Great / Golden Keys of Life" theme I kicked off in these two posts (below):

https://peakd.com/hive-166408/@sima369/anxiety-self-hatred-and-abuse-were-par-for-the-course-golden-keys-found

https://peakd.com/exercise/@sima369/celebrating-58-and-feeling-great

The second link (above) describes my PowerDowel Dance Party Online, which is a remedy I created due to a birth defect leaving one of my legs partway out of the hip socket, twisted and curled under. The PowerDowel utilizes easy and effective spinal care / self-massage techniques I developed using a broomstick (with the brushes detached).

💜Be sure to sign up for my FREE PowerDowel Dance Party Online if you're interested in fun exercises that will help you feel great, maintain good spinal alignment, and a whole lot more!

👉 Email: 5minutes2feelgood @ gmail dot com for schedule and zoom link 👈

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For the LOH #64 contest I'd like to invite @lesliestarrohara to check out, and consider contributing her writings to, The Ladies of Hive Community.🌺
I enjoyed Leslie's Lazy Tyranny post in the
Deep Dive Community🐳:
https://peakd.com/hive-122315/@lesliestarrohara/lazy-tyranny
Welcome Leslie if you've got a desire to join us!
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Thank you @LadiesOfHive for these ongoing contests!💖