Why I left Japan…and why I came back…

Last night there was a pretty big earthquake, it was felt as a 5 in Tokyo.

It was 10:30 and I was in our new apartment after moving some suitcases from down the street where we used to live. I immediately had flashbacks to 2011 which was a pretty big deal, one of the biggest earthquakes in recorded history.

It may have been the biggest one I had felt since then.

The funny thing about big earthquakes that most people don’t tell you…when you experience a big earthquake, you experience dozens of big earthquakes. The aftershocks go on for months, at first multiple times a day, then a few times a week, then a few times a month and then monthly. Sometimes the aftershocks are almost as big as the original.

That’s why I’m not really scared of earthquakes anymore. I don’t feel fear but I still go into a kind of emergency mode. It’s like a sensory overload where I can’t think clearly.

I jumped up off the futon and put on one sock. Then I thought I don’t need socks and put my shoes on with one sock on. Then I thought, wait my wallet and phone, I need those, and I went back in the house with shoes on, something you are not supposed to do in Japan and something I’d usually never do either.

You have to understand, because I’ve been in so many earthquakes, I don’t really feel my life is in immediate danger. Japanese architecture has saved my life many times.

That being said, it’s an apartment I just moved to. It’s 40 years old, and I am still getting used to it. So my only real worry was getting locked in the apartment because of a warped doorframe, or the small chance that this would be even bigger than 2011.

I left the house and went to pick up my partner at her part time job. “Everyone was acting as if nothing happened, all the clerks just kept working”. Meanwhile on twitter, everyone was freaking out. People were scared, but as usual in Japan society, people look around to see what others are doing and follow suit.

This is why I left Japan the first time. It wasn't the earthquakes.

After the 2011 earthquake, there were two big fears in Tokyo. The first was that the earthquake (which originated in Fukushima, a few hundred km from Tokyo) would trigger an even bigger earthquake in Tokyo.

The more realistic threat was the possibility that the nuclear reactor in Fukushima would explode. It was already leaking a crazy amount of radiation, and we were all worried that it would get even worse, that Tokyo would become as uninhabitable as the worst parts of Fukushima and Chernobyl.

Train service was extremely limited. Despite all this, I saw people wait in 4 hour lines to get the train and go to work, not knowing if they'd be able to return home via train or have to sleep at the office.

Almost no one had the courage to say "We don't know if we are going to be alive next week, is it really necessary to go to work today?"

I can understand for the people who do work that is vital to keep society running, train workers, hospital staff, people who keep the line of production on food and other essential goods running. But most of this people organize their desks half the day to look busy. They have meetings about meetings about potential meetings.

My company called me and said "What time are you coming in?"

I said "I'm not."

They were flustered, and rather than argue with them I sent my resignation via email. The trains took a week to recover to a point where the waits were more reasonable, but watching people that week, I had already decided I needed to get away from this country for a while.

I didn't leave right away. I took a break from work for a while and ended up working another job for about 6 months, but I had already decided and started saving up money so that I wouldn't have to work right away if I went somewhere cheaper than Tokyo.

Now, back in Japan, I can feel that things have changed, but not entirely. There are certainly people who can stand up and say "What the hell are we doing?" now, but you don't find them in every place of work.

Many will do the same as me, they won't stand up in the moment, but they will leave situations where they feel pressure to put paperwork before their family, health and safety.

Still, the fact the employees didn't feel free enough to check their phones to make sure their loved ones were ok...it's a little unsettling at times.

I used to struggle with self-respect and before I learned how to love myself, watching other people so blatantly disregard themselves, and hardly for a “greater good”, it was so hard to watch, and I knew I’d need to leave until I learned how to love myself.

I’ve grown up a lot since I left the first time. I don’t get frustrated by the way others behave anymore either. I think most people in Japan want to be able to stand up to their bosses and to do what they know is right even when others don’t act.

I don’t think the west has it all figured out, not even close. They are missing many things that can be found in abundance in Japan. But I always feel that the key lies in balance.

If I can be of service I would like to be. I want to do work that benefits others. If I could learn self love, maybe I could help others learn too. It would be great to help people follow their hearts. I think that’s what brought me back.

It's slow but I am sure things will continue to move more in a direction where people feel free to speak their mind, and acknowledge their own needs and if they do, this will be a uniquely balanced culture which the whole world could learn from.

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