The Troll in me
Yesterday the Troll in me awakened again. 👹👹👹
The troll gets a bad rap but it’s not as bad as people think.
At first glance the troll looks like something negative or unwanted. The troll is the will for destruction within my psyche. It wants to set fire to things. It wants to smash them into little bits that can float away into nothingness.
It used to be quite a monster indeed. It used to fire up into uncontrollable rampages, breaking anything that crossed its path. It destroyed things indiscriminately, only seeking to release its own suffering.
It was the bearer of all my pain and of my truest desires.
The troll is that part of me that society tried to stamp out. It’s the part of me that others tried to dominate. While others may identify it as an enemy, I recognize it for what it is, a divine part of myself that has not stepped into its own power just yet.
The Troll is a god of chaos.
Chaos and destruction are not inherently bad. Destruction is a necessary part of creation. It always new things to be born. It clears the path for change.
Ever since I was young, I had this burning desire for destruction and chaos, and when I finally became able to hold back this desire, I thought this was a part of myself that I should dispel of. I tried to banish it.
Little did I know that the troll was also the playful force that animates life. At its worst it’s a monster and at it’s best, a master of irony and playfulness.
As I grow into my own power, I have come to realize that this is an important part of who I am, and it’s one who has taken the brunt of all the difficulties in my life. It is not something I should try to remove or to fix. It just needs to recognize it’s place. It serves to transmute trauma into power. It does not seek to harm. It merely seeks to clear a path and to recycle what is no longer needed.
I’ve never been able to express this part of myself well. I’ve tried through my many rebellious phases but from the time I was young all the way up until now, I’ve always faced unpleasant consequences whenever I showed this side to the world. I was kicked out of my primary school, scolded through most of my youth, pressured into taking medication which dampened my senses and ostracized by my peers over and over again. The troll is the part of me which others do not accept, even to this day.
There are many situations that it could get me arrested or deported if I’m not careful.
I discovered very early on that it was easier to get by in society by covering this side of myself up. Even now, I find students and followers, better pay and more attention and success when I hide the Troll. This is not the case for everyone though.
I love and respect the troll and want to honor it. I am seeking for a way to let it shine. Perhaps that’s why I decided to call myself Self Help for Trolls.
I have great respect for the destructive force of trolling. I feel that one of my biggest failures is my inability to harness this kind of energy in a potent way. People like Russell Brand, Lil Nas X or Dave Chapelle, Elon Musk and even Paris Hilton are all very powerful trolls. Whether you like each of them or not, they understand the subtle art of playful destruction.
Recently I found myself absorbed in the YouTube channel of a random high school aged YouTuber named Faline San. I am not someone who spends a whole lot of attention on 16 year old girls (I am not THAT broken inside!) but she approaches mundane tasks with an injection of gently chaotic trolling that I have never been able to successfully pull off. I admire anyone who can pull this off regardless of who they are.
I suspect that all of us have a side that resists any effort to control or to dominate, but that most of us repress that side because without the ability to balance and harness it, it can burn us and leave us isolated and misunderstood. Without some tact, that destructive force can backfire on us and wreak havoc on our lives
It’s the same part of us that learns to say “No” to someone who is taking advantage, the same side that can stand up to corruption and point out contradiction. It’s the “Fuck off” that needs to be said.
The Holy Fuck Off
It’s not an easy force to balance. Rappers, stand-up comedians and high level memesters tend to be better at it than the rest of us.
I want to become more playful in my expression of truth and find a way to express the troll in me. Even now it scoffs at these philosophical expressions.
So to honor the troll, I will end this here. As I explore this energy, I hope that I can get better at harnessing it in potent ways, but for now this is all I can muster:
………………💩
🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎
My work:
📕 Confessions of the Damaged psychedelic spiritual fiction
🎸I + Everything - ambient folky music
🎬Self Help For Trolls - vlog
Confessions of the Damaged 1.1 - Out now!
Come join Hive Cross Culture and Join our discord
Please consider delegating to @crossculture or following our trail 🙂
🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱
There is always deep thoughts in your writeup. Thanks for this sir.
Well, well. This is one side of you I'm just getting to know! At first, I thought I'd mistakenly clicked on someone else's post that I had to scroll back up to be sure it's yours! 😄 Just kidding
Now I understand the reason behind your username and it makes so much sense. The world would rather suppress us, keep us silent and be unable to express ourselves. If a person chooses this part, they say 'something must be wrong with him/her'.
Keep expressing your truth and don't let anyone or the system stop you from being yourself. Have a pleasant evening. 🙂
well it is in my username so I doubt you were that confused ;-P
It's not easy to balance. Some things don't translate well so you gotta make a new language to express it. I'm working on making that new language.❤️💩❤️
I should give it a name as well...Walking around with it for a long time and it doesn't even have a name yet...no wonder my inner whatever is upset 😅. Controlling the trolls is what gives them power because that's when we don't live with them. They are like this annoying relative. Sucks but still part of the family 😂.
Well @celestal 's comment above mentions the Jungian idea of the shadow. I don't think they are annoying at all. They are a source of hidden power. They do make problems if they haven't been bathed though. Have you watched Naruto? That's a brilliant telling of coming to terms with ones inner shadow...now I feel like I should tag @tanjakolader because she just mentioned it yesterday. :-D
Thanks for tagging me and I took my time reading the post and listening to the video, which is why I'm just now commenting. I didn't want to do just a quick review as the topics mentioned are pretty interesting.
I know a few people who've made this some kind of art form: telling the truth (trolling) in such a way that the other person doesn't feel like he/she needs to defend him-/herself. Learning from them, I try to incorporate that, but it'll take time and wouldn't know if I'll ever be good at it.
And regarding your thoughts in the video, I haven't thought about it from that perspective, that most are more predisposed to discuss because they feel more comfortable in their own country to have a say. If ever I would live abroad, I'll have to test that theory out.
For now, I know I'm very opinionated and also used to participate in a lot of discussions (to win), whether on social media or in real life, but with "age" and experience I've learned to not comment on everything and just read/listen and move on. Sometimes I even form the opinion in my head and am about to respond and then I ask myself the question "what is the objective of me commenting on this and is it worth my peace of mind to participate in this?" Of course, in certain situations it's important to let your voice be heard, but then I evaluate whether it is that situation or not. That's how I try to go about it.
It's a tricky game I aim to play but the good thing is that the rules are fluid and constantly changing.
You have a good method of dealing with your own desire to debate and to win. Most situations "sharing our voice" is just to hear ourselves speak and because we don't know how to or we don't want to do the hard work of evolving, changing, building, connecting.
By seeing ourselves as "in opposition" we've already been knocked off our place of empowerment. So whenever I feel I need to fight against something, I tell myself I deserve to feel better than this is making me feel and I'd rather act in alignment with whatever brings a me joy. It's not giving up because that energy will be redirected to places where I can really make a difference. Not a tiny black hole on the internet created by someone who wanted to argue.
I hope one day to master the art of ridiculousness so I can engage head on without much care about winning or losing, just in making people laugh and drop some extra bullshit.
Hahaha, yeah it's definitely an art. Something I would like to do as well, but wouldn't even know where to start haha
Happy Holidays by the way! 🎊🎊🎊
You too!
It's that Jungian psychology: You must acknowledge your shadow (denied characteristics, either by you or society, of your psyche), because if you don't it'll possess you without you realizing it. Thus you must integrate the dark traits so that they can exist without harming anyone. It's an interesting thing to explore.
I didn't think of this as my shadow recently but now that I think in terms of that, it really is. I've already done this work before though, it's amazing how many layers we have!
Hear hear!
I love you(r) troll!
What's mandarin success?
Improved language skills or an abundance of fruit? ;^)
Nice write up buddy!
P.S. As you probably know, my troll is pretty subtle. It is always there - though - hiding underneath a bridge...
AND success
Ahhh a river troll. I see it now. I'm more of a face troll. I only come out to eat.
Love trolls unite. And untie.
The troll underneath of the bridge is the first story that I heard about trolls, as a kid. It made an impact.
Unite and untie. Nice one!
I thought of something to reply to you but I could only sing something....sorry you can't hear it
Good morning @sekfhelp4trolls.
This is a wonderful write-up, so interesting. Don't be ashamed sharing what you have. Thank you.
Thanks for reading 😃 I’m doing my best