After many years of practicing the Practical Empathy (PEQ) method of empathy, I've become much more aware of when I'm being lied to.

How did this happen?

My hypothesis goes like this:

(a) When we communicate in person, we subconsciously take in and store visual, auditory, and scent data. This includes noting facial expressions; gaze; pupil dilation; respiration depth and rate; voice tone, volume, and cadence; body language; and even pheromone analysis. You have most likely heard the term, “body language.”

(b) Normally, our brains combine that information with the words they are saying, as well as what we know of that person.

(c) If we get more verbal information than the typical - like feelings, needs/values, and the additional sensual data that comes when a person is asked deeper questions - then it is an extra dimension of data for our brains to combine with the aforementioned sensual information. This increases the probability of detecting anomalies between behavior and the words spoken.

In addition, knowing one person more deeply, those data points - while different for each person - have some overlap with all humans, meaning not only are we learning more about the current person we are relating to, but we have also gained increased understanding of all humans to some degree.

Here's an example of a couple different ways a casual conversation could go, so you can get an idea of how much more information can be coming in:

Example of “typical” conversation

Question: "How was work today?"
Answer: "It sucked."
Question: "Oh sorry to hear that. Would you like to forget about it over dinner and a movie?"
Answer: "Sure!"

vs

Example of more empathetic conversation

Question: "How was work today?"
Answer: "It sucked."
Question: "Oh sorry to hear that. Are you tired and frustrated?"
Answer: "Frustrated yes. Tired, not so much."
Question: "Ah. Someone at work getting in your way?"
Answer: "Yeah. My boss is trying to micromanage me."
Question: "Oh! I know you value your autonomy!"
Answer: "Exactly! Super frustrating to have someone second-guessing me when I know my job."
Question: "I bet! It would be nice if they could show you more trust and respect, eh?"
Answer: "Yes! I just need to be patient. Thanks for being such a great listener."
Question: "Of course! Wanna do dinner and a movie?
Answer: "Sure!"

Notice how much more information about the other person’s world we are getting in the second example above?

Warning: not always a fun skill

Here's the catch: People lie all the time. Especially when so many have been brought up to be "people pleasers." I've been deprogramming myself for many years and there is still a significant part of me that wants to be liked and wants to protect people from pain, so I understand.

So it doesn't feel so good when you know someone is being dishonest because they worry about hurting your feelings. This is yet another situation where we can practice self-empathy as well as empathy for the other person, in order to get to a place of understanding and acceptance. That process may look like:

(1) Self-empathy
“I’m feeling some anger and annoyance because I am not getting the trust and respect I want.”

(2) Silent empathy for them
“Perhaps he was worried about my feelings and has a strong value for comfort?”
Or: “Maybe they feared the truth would negatively impact our relationship?”

Silver lining

Overall, however, this is a useful skill that has come in handy and I would not change it. I'm actually still doing the kind of work that means I'll get even more accurate with the "lie detection." What helps is that this same work is strengthening my integrity, understanding, and acceptance, so I'm less likely to take it personal when being lied to.

Finally, as you read the later chapters on romantic relationships, parenting, debate, business, negotiation, and mediation, ask yourself how increased ability to “see through” people to their real motives can benefit you.