The Orchid

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The roadside nursery along this desolate stretch of southern backroads seemed eerily out of place as Sebastian pulled in to stretch his legs and see if there might be a unique flower to take home with him. He entered the establishment and felt as if he had entered a portal to a time long forgotten as the dusty shelves were littered with various types of desiccated succulents and shabby-looking flowering plants. He instantly began to regret his decision to stop here, but his legs were cramping and a good stretch would do him good and allow him to finish the remaining three hours home without stopping again. So he lazily strolled up and and down the ailes with not much hoping of discovering something worth buying.

As he made it to the far end of the second row, the hair on the back of his neck bristled and a chill settled in the air. He whirled around a little too quickly and stumbled a bit at the low humming sound tickling his inner ear. As he cocked his head back and forth trying to locate the source of the noise he, just for the briefest of moments, thought he heard his name whispered in a hushed, breathless exhale. Then...nothingness....a silence so quiet that a ringing almost echoed in his ears. He turned back towards the row of seemingly abandoned terracotta pots and stoneware planters to see a black orchid swaying as if someone had quickly passed this way. He raised an eyebrow and looked up and down the ailes trying to remember if he saw this flower prior to stumbling. He moved closer to the orchid and almost felt a vibration begin in his feet. He slowly reached out and as his fingertips grazed the edge of the onyx colored petal he was jerked back by the harsh voice of a humped over old man who spat out, "That flower is more trouble than its worth to try to keep alive. Orchids are a fickle fiend and won't make it a week with ya!" Sebastian turned back to the solitary orchid and felt such a deep longing for the flower that he quickly scooped it up and implored the man to check him out quickly so he could get back on the road.

He exited the dilapidated store and gently placed the orchid in the middle of his back seat and then settled in to cover the remaining miles as quickly as possible and he pointed the nose of the car south on the backroad, just as the last rays of light were escaping behind the horizon. As he glanced in his rearview mirror, he could have sworn he saw the little old man standing in the middle of the road with a twisted, wicked grin upon his lips, but the image was just a flash and there was nothing but the abyss of the black asphalt staring back at him. He adjusted the mirror to see the back seat and the orchid sat, almost regally....as if it were on the way home....and happy to be with him. Odd, but the orchid seemed a bit taller than in the store. He rubbed his weary eyes and turned his attention back to the road. As he accelerated, the orchid leaned forward to catch his scent again.....its black, wicked heart pleased with having captured another victim.


All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter,
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost
-Tolkien


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Eerie, scary shit. Loved it. 👍 @papacrusher

My only suggestion is that you let your readers breathe. 😁 I.e. your punctuation needs some major work. The comma is your friend, friend! Use it and the - and the ; and the . to give your readers time to breathe.

If you want I can rewrite a paragraph so you see how much better it flows with a small adjustment to your sentence structure. 💯

(Please don't feel shy to request this. Some people have paper skin, so i'm cautious not to immediately go into editor mode 😉).

Everything else is solid. 😁

Cheers. 🍻

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I'm not shy or paper skinned. I wanted the piece to read breathless...hurried...without rest. That's the problem with unsolicited advice, you don't have the full picture of the intention of the writer.

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Yoyo.

I wanted the piece to read breathless...hurried...without rest.

There's a difference between feeling breathless and tripping over yourself. I never doubted your intent, just its execution. 🙂

That's the problem with unsolicited advice, you don't have the full picture of the intention of the writer.

This is, IMO, the wrong mindset to have. I personally knew what you were trying to pull off here, think it's pretty obvious to the trained eye. But let's say I didn't - it still wouldn't matter. You should never be trying to defend yourself if you wanna get better, I'm not trying to tear you down but build you up. I think anyone can take something out of any advice/critique. Regardless of the author/commenter intent. Saying That's the problem to someone giving you advice is 💯 the wrong approach. It's not about you, or me, or the work - it's about getting better, improving your craft.

But that's just my 2 cents, you do you. 🤷‍♂

🍻

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Fucking awesome final line; I love that inversion of the flower smelling the man. All in all a nice little horror story, and impressive that you constructed a complete and satisfying tale with 3 paragraphs and less than 600 words.

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Thank you so much for the kind words and I appreciate you taking the time to read it and for commenting. It is greatly appreciated.

I love that inversion of the flower smelling the man.

It seemed pretty cool in my head and I was hoping it would translate to paper well.

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