Hard girl, Hard girl…but I got served!

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Guys! Growing up, I’d always swear that I could never cry for a man. Cry over a man? Why?! In fact, I made fun of my friends and older cousins who did it. But, as the saying goes, you never know where the shoe pinches the most until you're the one wearing it.

Back at uni, this coconut-headed guy broke my heart, and that heartbreak had me by the neck. I cried and cried. Thinking about that now makes me laugh silly!

If you don't know this about Nigerian men, know it now; when they love, they love well, but when they break your heart, they don't leave you with the pieces. They pick them up, crush them to tinier bits, and grind them to powder. And nope, they do not return the powder. Instead, they take the powdery remnant and blow it to the winds, so there's nothing left where your heart used to be but a big hole that'll take ages to refill.

You see, my friend used to make jokes about forehead kisses. She said the more a man kissed my forehead, the more my senses would fly away. Apparently, my ex was kissing my senses away. If he didn't tamper with my common sense, then where did my hard-girl energy go? How did I allow myself, a self-acclaimed robot with zero emotions, to get to the point of folding in a corner to cry over one young man?

It got worse when I put together a heartbreak music playlist. This was my undoing. Leave to the absolute maoo. The first song on the list was Jealous by Labrinth, followed by Adele's songs. I’d listen to those songs while making videos of me crying (the ugly cry) (the kind where your face looks like a baboon's). I was the correct definition of "cry me an ocean."

I still cannot believe that a whole me, a foodie at heart, a foodie association representative, and a founding member of the Foodies Club, refused to eat good food because of a man. No!

To date, I'm still pissed that my roommate ate the chicken and chips I got from Usman down the street because, in her own words, "Make I help you chop am make he no spoil" (Let me help you eat it so it doesn’t get spoilt). The effrontery! Faith should have left my chicken. I'm never forgiving her. She was laughing at me and eating my chicken and chips at the same time. Can you imagine?

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You know how they say you shouldn't lose diamonds chasing stones? Apparently, I wasn't present when the memo was distributed, since I went after the stones with my full chest and hoarded the stones. It's all because dimples were my mumu button(weak point) at the time. Silly me. Don’t even bother asking for more information because I won’t.

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Heartbreak held me by the neck and said to me, "You are mine, and I am yours." Heartbreak and I shared a passionate kiss, affirming that we belonged together.

If you don't already know this about Nigerian men, you should: when they love, they love deeply; but when they break your heart, they don't leave you with the shards. They take them up and smash them. They pick them up, break them into smaller pieces, and then grind them into powder. And, no, they do not return the powder; instead, they take the powdery remainder and blow it to the wind, leaving nothing but a big hole that will take a long time to fill.

Anyway, I saw a picture of the young man mentioned in this piece and couldn't believe it was the same person I had cried about. What did I see in those ugly dimples?

LOL, love is blind!

Anyway, I’m back to being a robot, and there’s no crying over the other gender ever again!

Now, please tell me about the person who broke your heart.

PS: I was super tired when I wrote this, so you have to laugh.