"The Roast of All of Us" — Presenting Our Research and Findings from 37 Years of Studies in Slow-Onset Chronic Terminal Madness — Sponsored by the University of Hivelandia and the Comedy Open Mic Contest

the favicon combo.jpg


Abstract:

What's up, commies!
Welcome to this roast post we wrote mostly as a joke while totally smoked on coke and Holy Ghost and toasted artichoke liqueur! Side note, don't go hoping for anything more or less than exactly what we're hoping you're expecting to get unless what you're hopeful for getting is nothing except for a great big dose of disappointment! As far as we're aware our professor and our mentor are so far both unaware that we've gone and published this thing that we've gone and published here, and we'd really like to keep it that way at least till we can make good on our longawaited getaway escape from this academia hellscape, thanks!


Introduction:

Hello it's me and them and all of us together again @notanotherbrandt, everyone's favorite @anotherbrandt and the one and only @otherbrandt to ever have been voted World's Best @Brandt every year in a row since the dawn of time in the Year of Our Lord one thousand nine hundred and eighty-four!


Methods:

Sixteen Russian imperial stouts, nine of Colorado's finest psilocybin caps, two pounds of Swiss mountain goat cheese, and one refurbished Macintosh 128k that's sitting on an old oak desk that's getting lit by a kerosene lamp that's standing on the hardpacked dirt floor of a small dark one-room cabin that we don't recognize at all! The conditions simply couldn't have been one single little bit better for researching important research and finding high-quality findings, both of which we're pretty sure we either did or didn't and depending on which one it was we may or may not have a whole lot of work left to do!


Results:

To Be Determined!
Are you following along with all of this so far? No? Good, neither are we!
Are you feeling confused about where we're going with all of this? Yeah? Cool, so are we! C'mon, hop on down to the comment section and join the rest of us, you'll fit right in!


Discussion:



0
0
0.000
133 comments
avatar

What the fuck is this?

0
0
0.000
avatar

My application to the World's Best @Brandt contest, what does it look like?

0
0
0.000
avatar

I thought being funny would have been a requirement for entering a comedy contest.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Actually I checked the rules and that's not one of them.

0
0
0.000
avatar

rules.png

0
0
0.000
avatar

lol

0
0
0.000
avatar

Crap.

0
0
0.000
avatar

LOL, literally the only rule and you fucked it up.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Hi! What's a big fish like you doing in a little---
oh shit, sorry, I thought you were someone else. You look just like..
wait...
omg
lol
you're that guy whose
um
your thing
lol
it doesn't
you can't
omfg
I gotta go.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

0
0
0.000
avatar

Did shomeone say World's Besht @Brandt? Here I am

0
0
0.000
avatar

Go away.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Knock knock.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Go away. And I hope your laptop catches fire.

0
0
0.000
avatar

well I hope you car cashes flat tire.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Well I hope YOUR car breaks down.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Either you’re lying about being born in 1984 or we have a huge problem on our hands.

0
0
0.000
avatar

What are you talking about? You know that we were never born, we simply came to be.

0
0
0.000
avatar

pretty shure the only one who did any coming wush your dad

0
0
0.000
avatar

Your penis called, it wants its erectile function back.

0
0
0.000
avatar

OHHHHHHH SNAP

0
0
0.000
avatar

ish that your fashe or are you jusht wearing an ugly mask to hide how ugly your fashe ish

0
0
0.000
avatar

This is about as funny as the Gordian knot: It’s not.

0
0
0.000
avatar

what did the naughty knot shay to the other naughty knot?

0
0
0.000
avatar

Go away?

0
0
0.000
avatar

itsh not all for naught till youre not a naughty knot anymore, sho take my advishe jush shtick to your vishe and never be nishe evermore.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Good God somebody please cut this guy off.

0
0
0.000
avatar

go home you hack you are trunk

0
0
0.000
avatar

I'm not the one holding an empty bottle of cooking wine now am I.

0
0
0.000
avatar

thish ishnt cooking wine itsh rubbing alcohol.

0
0
0.000
avatar

He meant the other hand.

0
0
0.000
avatar

my left hand knowsh not what my right hand ish doing

0
0
0.000
avatar

So far this is off to a great start! Thanks for joining in everyone!

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sixteen Russian imperial stouts, nine of Colorado's finest psilocybin caps, two pounds of Swiss mountain goat cheese, and one refurbished Macintosh 128k

None of these are methods.

0
0
0.000
avatar

None of these are methods

This.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Who the hell are @jesus and @null and why did you tag them?

0
0
0.000
avatar

Well @jesus does a lot of giving and @null does a lot of taking so I figured I'd tag them both so they'd even each other out and maybe it would help bring balance to the COMtest.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Congratulations @notanotherbrandt! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):

You made more than 10 comments.
Your next target is to reach 50 comments.
You got more than 10 replies.
Your next target is to reach 50 replies.

You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word STOP

To support your work, I also upvoted your post!

Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:

PUD - PUH - PUM - It's all about to Power Up!
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
0
0
0.000
avatar

sho can i trade in my new batchesh for beer or maybe shomething elshe that hash alcohol in it?

0
0
0.000
avatar

Jeez, and I thought I was the one having the pissing contest.
Brilliant, as always.
Bastard.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Lol yeah we pissed all over that research paper didn't we? :)

Bastard

I think you're confusing me with @brandt.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sorry, I meant to say
BastardS.
Credit where credit is due.

0
0
0.000
avatar

great comment amazing job love it, upvoted

i think i desherve shum credit so can you pleashe exshten credit for to me so to becaushe i am out of beer and money pleashe

0
0
0.000
avatar

!BEER

Oh. Well. Guess I'm broke, too.

!HANDSANITZER

So broke I've resorted to stealing jokes and regifting them to the people I stole them from.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sorry, you don't have enough staked BEER in your account. You need 24 BEER in your virtual fridge to give some of your BEER to others. To view or trade BEER go to hive-engine.com

0
0
0.000
avatar

that's because @otherbrandt drank it all

0
0
0.000
avatar

!BEER

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sorry, you don't have enough staked BEER in your account. You need 24 BEER in your virtual fridge to give some of your BEER to others. To view or trade BEER go to hive-engine.com

0
0
0.000
avatar

Hey @notanotherbrandt and @beerlover can you guys leave us alone? I'm trying to get some and this guy looks like an easy mark.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Hi

0
0
0.000
avatar

Hi! What's a big fish like you doing in a little pond like this, I like your eyes they remind me of shiny stinky sea suction cups, do you wanna get out of here?

0
0
0.000
avatar

You can't fool me. You're that landfill creature @otherbrandt told me about.

0
0
0.000
avatar

What-- how did you--
it's the smell, isn't it. Always blowing my cover.

But wait. So he told you about me what did he say does he like me?

0
0
0.000
avatar

shoundsh like white elephant chrishmash thing, exshept i alwaysh keep the handshantizer sho to drink it later

0
0
0.000
avatar

Me too!!! I like the lavender flavored ones. You ever chill them? It's like a fancy martini. So cheap, too.

0
0
0.000
avatar

no i jush trink them right out of the bottle i like to shkirt them right into my mouth. acshly shomtimes i guesh if the whishky bottlesh low i shkirt them rightinto the whishky bottle and shake it up and that ushully holdsh me over tillthe lickershtores opne in the morning

0
0
0.000
avatar

Do you have a name for that cocktail?
I'm catching a buzz just smelling your breath.

0
0
0.000
avatar

never thought about that before, maybe The Mouth Sanitizer?

0
0
0.000
avatar

Oh. You're sober now.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Not for long.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Want me to shotgun you some Mouth Sanitizer?
You have really nice eyes.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sure!

And thanks, I gouged them out of Cthulhu's face myself.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Wow, that sounds like a fascinating story and I'd love to hear more about that over a drink.
k ready? This sanitizer cocktail is made from smoky scotch residue. I was thinking we could call it the Insanitizer. After you.

0
0
0.000
avatar

It's a great name, I'll drink to that! However I can't share details about the Cthulhu story because if I ever do then he gets his eyes back.

0
0
0.000
avatar

I think you'll be ok if you only tell me.
Anyway, cheers.
untitled.gif
Whoa. Woops. Sorry. I got a little messy there.
You drunk yet?

0
0
0.000
avatar

no. cheersh!
!BEER

0
0
0.000
avatar

Oh hey, thanks, where'd you get this, did you steal it?

You wanna get outta here? Maybe go pick up some trash/get trashed or something?

0
0
0.000
avatar

I don't remember paying for it so I guess I must have stolen it? What happened here did I miss the action?

0
0
0.000
avatar

No, no, you didn't miss anything. Nothing at all.
Heylook, it's been really nice talking to you for the last, uh, two days, but I gotta bounce. Got an early morning. I really like you, though, so here's my number.
(719) 486-8210
Call me, if you want.

0
0
0.000
avatar

I think you're confusing me with @bastards.

0
0
0.000
avatar

I think I'm just confused. I don't know who the hell I'm talking to anymore.
Which reminds me I wanted to ask you a question: Are your pronouns they/them?

0
0
0.000
avatar

I don't even know where to write my reply to this 😅

This was like giving a schizophrenic acid-laced heroine while he controls a train. The result was the most beautiful trainwreck.

Thank you, @notanotherbrandt, brandt, maybebrandt, brandtbutlater, pastbrandt, for your participation in the Comedy Open Mic contest. Your entry really gave me a brandt new perspective.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Thanks for hopping aboard our beautiful trainwreck, we're really gonna go places!

a brandt new perspective

😆

0
0
0.000
avatar

You all need help, I happen to run a moderation group for arguments like this. We provide the highest quality turpentine and paper bags. We also provide a few blunt objects and gasoline for more difficult situations.

If you're interested all you have to do is fill out the following form to waive all your rights and allow it to be filmed.

Please See form here
Please print and send to attached address.

Sweet deal right?

(Picture stolen from google cause I'm lazy.)

0
0
0.000
avatar

Dont do it he steals ideas

0
0
0.000
avatar

Ignore this dude, he's just a cunt.

0
0
0.000
avatar

You stole my idea.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Fuck off and get back in the box.

0
0
0.000
avatar

did shomeone shay turpentine? here i am

0
0
0.000
avatar

Yup and all for something with no real value! What a deal right?

0
0
0.000
avatar

great ill buy a thoushand shares of whatever you are shelling

0
0
0.000
avatar

Thank you for meeting my expectations.

0
0
0.000
avatar

You know I always aim for a result somewhere between exceeds and did not meet.

Look I made you a mediocre !PIZZA!

0
0
0.000
avatar

Sick! Mediocre's like totally my fav sick.

0
0
0.000
avatar

Looks like @notanotherbrandt forgot he's not the one with the !PIZZA staked. Typical dumbass.

0
0
0.000
avatar

img_0.028788644316013565.jpg

I got some cereal

0
0
0.000
avatar

Eggsellent!

I got some rubidonut holes to add to this complete breakfast.

rubidonutholes.jpeg

0
0
0.000
avatar

PIZZA!

PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@brandt(4/5) tipped @dandays (x1)

You can now send $PIZZA tips in Discord via tip.cc!

0
0
0.000
avatar

I am soooooo pissed off to me right now that I only now noticed notanotherbrandt. I can't upvote this post because it's older than 7 days and that reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyy pisses me off. And all this piss and can't do shit about it. And now shit has joined the party! Oh goodie!

Comrade, or is it combradt, stay strong and be brave. I'm sending few subs your way to help you in you time of distress. Before they get there, breathe in to a paper bag. Or in a paper bag, if you're tiny or can find a big enough bag.

Only one question left: what color do you want you subs to be, nuclear gray, water gray or red machine gray? Think very careful, I will tell your answer to some guy called Put In, not that I like him very much or that we are friends but I have to get his dogs off my back, my cats don't like them.

0
0
0.000