BEAUTIFUL CHAOS

Well, I just want to say that I am fine. I have a slight headache and a messed up car waiting to be repaired. I guess this is one of the cons of driving machines that can fail as well. We all have so much trust and faith in technology we forgot that they are fallible as well–in critical times when you need them.

I don't want to talk about the events of today. Rather I want to focus on how I felt today. Well, I was mostly tense. This is the first time I have been in an auto-crash. My steering and brakes froze on me and I had to do damage control.

It all happened quick and slow. My life flashed in my eyes (slowly). I find this funny because I don't know how else to process this. Maybe this is just my defence mechanism. I am not angry or sad. I am just amazed (and grateful) I came out of this without a scratch (well, I did bump my head on the windscreen).

At some point, I had to question myself "what does the universe want from me?" I work hard, very hard; I am trying other things so I don't live off upvotes (because I am sick and tired of doing that. Even this minor setback won't change my mind. I would rather dust my certificate and get a day job if it comes to that. Anything but living off people's whims and caprices. I am done with that). I just want to do something out of my comfort zone, so why is the universe conspiring against me?

I can't back down now, I don't know how. How do people give up? All I know is that I have to pick myself up from whatever situation I find myself because I cannot afford to lose. There is so much at stake and I cannot lose.

Now that I cannot drive around, I can sit down to introspect, pray and ask for guidance because at this point all I need is clarity. I do not mind what might come my way during the process of getting there--where I want to be. My resolve is strong. The worst has already happened. I just need clarity.