Please Take a Moment to read These Instructions

almost 3 years ago (Edited)

Now that you're finished reading those instructions, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about other things.

Some of the other things will include stuff such as:

^{1) What it's really like because}
^{2) How it might have happened the other time}
^{3) Where am I going with this thing}
^{4) Why is this thing so heavy all of a sudden}

But we'll get to that, later. Before we get started building that cabinet, you'll need to direct your Google search to:

Where in the fuck did all these come from

And open it to page one.

There you will find several questions that have nothing to do with cabinets that I too am seeing, for the first time. So maybe don't do that.

Instead let's switch gears for a moment and start thinking about that cabinet.

However, this is the point of the lesson where you're to just sit there and think:
Google: Why?

Why, Google? Why?

Now let me tell you why.

Sometimes, you can't think of anything to think about; and don't feel like making pictures or taking pictures or even listening to anybody because they will end up looking, like this:

And/Or

...like that.

Since those times can exist but you still want to do something productive, it might be a good time sometime to let the device in your ass pocket do the thinking, while you find the something else to do that should have been done a long time ago, like building that cabinet.

Less work; no mess; and it still looks like you're busy doing something about that cabinet.

All it takes is just some random, incomprehensible, thoughts. Even a baby can do that shit.

Before you know it but only after you try, new ideas for things to do about that cabinet will begin sprouting out of the screen, like this:

Some hands from out of nowhere, too:

All that happens and you're all like...

That's right! There are ideas; everywhere. And they'd like to offer you a hand in the thinking department so you can use your hands for other things, like building that cabinet. Isn't this exciting!

_{Warning: Not all ideas are good ideas. This might not be a good idea. When using someone else's brain to do your thinking for you, proceed with caution. You'll never know when or how it happened but at some point an idea so powerful will lead you down, the wrong hole. And we all know what happens when you stick all your time into, the wrong hole. Don't say I didn't warn you and don't pretend you didn't like it.}

Here, are just a few, of the ideas, I managed to pull, out of my ass, like magic.

Did you remember to bring your thinking caps?

Earlier I mentioned four key details. Here they are again:

^{1) What it's really like because}
^{2) How it might have happened the other time}
^{3) Where am I going with this thing}
^{4) Why is this thing so heavy all of a sudden}

I hope you're not paying much attention to those because they will not be of any use to you, later.

Now, since ass pocket devices and the power of every mind that lies within can control your thoughts within seconds, then proceed to force you into oncoming traffic because you shouldn't be building cabinets while driving:

Is it wise to crash into the first thing you see?

That's right! It would be asinine to do some dumb fuckery shit like that I mean, look at all the flames! Use the brakes and settle your ass down, gently.

The ideas you'll pull out of your ass can't be converted into pure magic clumps of decency and the potential of rewards like a snazzy new cabinet at the end if you simply get lazy, always going for the easy targets, instead of digging for the good stuff.

And remember to always save your cabinet building research for a safe space like an office when your boss isn't around, or in front of the family when you need to look too busy to be doing chores right now.

Okay

Bear with me here. Nobody move. Nobody gets hurt. I'm about halfway through figuring out what I'm trying to explain here, then we'll move on to more advanced cabinetry.

_{Let's recap what you've learned so far:}
_{_{1) Why Google? Why?}}
_{_{2) This tutorial has a llama.}}
_{_{3) Wow!}}
_{_{4) No.}}
_{Take a moment now to go back to This Tutorial if you're unclear about something pertaining to cabinets and the events which have unfurled before you.}

Part 1

Since Google provides many optional ideas one might not be able to think about on their own and all at once, spells are used when building cabinets.

In the previous warm up sessions, you were shown something twice and then told to not pay attention to it. Were you paying attention? I hope so. In the wrong hands, this sort of power has the potential to scramble the cabinetmaker's brains on site. Never attempt these spells until someone else has done it for you or at least lived trying.

Watch what happens when I try the first spell (but please realize, I only do this now to save your life someday so you can go on to build awesome cabinets):

what it's really like because

As you can clearly see, without even thinking, I've managed to contact the spirit of Luther Vandross and he wants us to know he feels better now.

Thanks Luther, for showing up today. This isn't even weird.

Part 2

Now that Luther Vandross is busy tickling your earbuds with excitement and the audacity to be so cool with a name like that, it's time to continue on down this road of magical thought meanderings twisting and surprising around every corner of cabinetry.

For the second spell today you'll discover eight words that all chain together to barely form a question that might be asked by someone on meth mumbling in the stall beside you at the mall public toilet facilities location next to the food court, as you do your best to be quiet and think about that cabinet.

how it might have happened the other time

This was an easy one!

In this example the cabinetmaker does not even need to click the link to find out more, because according to the headline, they already clicked, and know all about it, plus the cabinet's done.

Some of the more intelligent students will notice how, understanding they were finished reading This Tutorial before they even started, becomes much simpler now, and that's all thanks to that wonderful information.

Results like this are highly sought after due to their time saving abilities and predictive behavioral patterns. And you already caught them all.

Part 3

Now, before saying the magic words and casting the third spell, be prepared to have your cabinet doors blown off.

These words have never been spoken before in this way. Beware. Results may vary, resulting in various results:

where am I going with this thing

Now, I can't say I'm familiar with the name Dusty Springfield. I will say it does sound like an episode of The Simpsons, but nothing like a cabinet.

Son of a Preacher Man is a hit of hers I think we've all heard at some point when one of our friends gets drunk and invites us over to build cabinets. Set that part aside for later.

Apparently she might be lost and doesn't want us to forget about her but it's a good thing, so luckily this all happened today as a reminder to get back to work on that cabinet.

That's interesting: Some simpleminded sleuthing later and I've discovered the connection. Only the most excellent of all can form connections out of nothing. This is truly an historic moment.

^{^{^{Warning: Dual casting results from spells do not always connect with all brands of cabinet. Remember to just make it look like you meant to do that if it works.}}}

As you can clearly see, the great Luther Vandross and the forever beautiful Dusty Springfield both sang the famous song, A House Is Not a Home; especially without nice cabinets.

You can't make this shit up.

Part 4

The final part of what's to be said to see what happens is in store.

By now, I mean, you should be certain you're dealing with some sorcerous forces, demanding Ford Taurus drivers drive Porches, with thesauruses, be around to reinforce us, like, getting the assistance from Chuck Norris' sources, before we're all the corpses kind of sorcerous forces.

why is this thing so heavy all of a sudden

This is a bad idea and has nothing to do with cabinets.

Ending it on a period is one way to end a sentence; but no way to end a tutorial about cabinets.

This somehow looks like the wrong hole to be going down and you can clearly see how this ends if we were to go ahead and actually use this idea right now and under these circumstances.

In cabinet building:

Not all ideas are good ideas.

Conclusion

By now your cabinet should look like this:

^{^source}

We do hope these instructions were helpful, guiding you directly towards the beauty that is, your new cabinet, now, and forever.

Taking great pride in our cabinets since 1909 has a been a policy drilled into our heads since the first day we stepped foot on the jobsite. We're not even allowed to say they suck and that's why we worked through all this over time to provide you, the proud owner of this wonderful new cabinet, the choice of three tutorials for your building pleasure:

(a) Words with Pictures
(b) Coloring Book
(c) I'll Just Google It

You've selected C, I'll Just Google It, and since that's the case, by now you should only be familiar with:

Using Google.
Being distracted by Google.
Not really getting much done.

With that you should have everything you need to finish building the cabinet of your dreams, all by yourself, without help from anyone except for this wonderful cabinet tutorial and your friend,

Ajob Welldone

Enjoy your new cabinet.

Credits:Some art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.^{Actual screenshots of Google, created by me, with the push of a button.}^{Cool picture of a cabinet linked to a source that leads to an actual cabinet.} NoNamesLeftToUse Outro.png