Unburdening


Unburdening

I find myself another early morning, unable to close my eyes with the desire to write, but with a mental block of days that does not allow me to continue with what I am supposed to have ready in my mind, I feel exhausted and tired without making the slightest physical effort, I exercise, eat well, and maintain a balanced order between my hours of work, study and free time but still, I feel that I can not rest ...

I feel much better since I moved away from toxic and ill-intentioned people, I feel free but in a certain sense I have become lonely, I enjoy a lot of my solitude and probably I am becoming addicted to it, or so I try to think, socializing with new people is tedious and exhausting, and I am intrigued to know how long I can last in this way.

I miss people who are no longer here and will never come back, either because they are no longer what they were or because they do not exist on this plane, I miss people who are thousands of miles away... or maybe it is not so and I just miss the memories I had with them, I feel that I did not appreciate the time I had with those people and now I can not do anything to make amends.

I am overwhelmed because I can't constantly hug my mother and show her my love, even though I see her every day, maybe it's because of resentment, shame, or something else? I can't understand it, I never met the expectations she had for me and my family, maybe that's why? I have never heard from her that she feels disappointed in me, she has a very big heart to say those things, but I do feel it, I feel very disappointed in me and that makes me uneasy, it makes me very anxious not to be able to unburden myself in my mother's arms.

I have quit smoking and I have returned to skateboarding to suppress that anxiety with the adrenaline of speed, but sometimes I feel that it is not enough, maybe I am becoming very greedy, or there is something stronger hidden that I can not understand, there are things and people that I have stopped caring overnight and that generates a certain level of concern, because if I lose my empathy I could even lose my sanity.

I feel sad, but not more than yesterday and maybe more than tomorrow, I am moving forward and calculating every place where I cling to not fall back into the hole in which I let myself fall, I just hope to have the strength and courage to grab my mother, look her in the eyes and tell her how much I love her, before it's too late and she becomes another in the list of people I did not know how to value...

Desahogo

Me encuentro otra madrugada, sin poder cerrar los ojos con ganas de redactar, pero con un bloqueo mental de días que no me permite continuar con lo que se supone que tengo listo en mi mente, me siento exhausto y cansado sin realizar el mas mínimo esfuerzo físico, me ejercito, como bien, y mantengo un orden equilibrado entre mis horas de trabajo, estudio y tiempo libre pero aun así, siento que no logro descansar...

Me siento mucho mejor desde que me aleje de personas toxicas y mal intencionadas, me siento libre pero en cierto sentido me he quedado solo, disfruto de mucho de mi soledad y probablemente me este volviendo adicto a ella, o eso me esfuerzo en pensar, socializar con nuevas personas me resulta tedioso he exhaustivo, y me da intriga saber cuanto tiempo puedo durar de esta manera.

Extraño personas que ya no están y que nunca volverán, ya sea porque ya no son lo que eran o porque directamente no existen ya en este plano, extraño personas que están a miles de kilómetros.. o quizás no sea así y solo extraño los recuerdos que tuve con ellas, siento que no supe apreciar el tiempo que tuve con esas personas y que ahora no puedo hacer nada para enmendarlo.

Estoy agobiado porque no puedo abrazar constantemente a mi madre y demostrarle mi amor, a pesar de que la veo todos los días, ¿Quizás sea por rencor?, ¿Vergüenza?, o ¿Algo mas?. No lo logro entender, nunca cumplí las expectativas que tenia ella para mi y ni mi familia, ¿Quizás sea por eso?. Nunca he escuchado de su parte que se siente decepcionada de mi, ella tiene un corazón muy grande como para decir esas cosas, pero yo si lo siento, me siento decepcionado muy de mi y eso me genera intranquilidad, me genera mucha ansiedad no poder desahogarme en los brazos de mi madre.

He dejado el cigarrillo y he vuelto a patinar para suprimir esa ansiedad con la adrenalina de la velocidad, pero a veces siento que no es suficiente, quizás me este volviendo muy codicioso, o haya algo mas fuerte escondido que no logro entender, hay cosas y personas que me han dejado de importar de la noche a la mañana y eso me genera cierto nivel de preocupación, ya que si pierdo mi empatía podría hasta llegar a perder la cordura.

Me siento triste, pero no mas que ayer y quizás mas que mañana, estoy avanzando y calculando cada lugar de donde me aferro para no volver a caer en el hoyo en el que me deje caer, solo espero volver a tener la fuerza y valor de agarrar a mi madre, mirarla a los ojos y decirle cuanto la amo, antes de que sea muy tarde y se convierta en otra mas de la lista de personas que no supe valorar...


Discord: lowlifevzla08#1400



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Maybe you should take things slow and try something new, something that will lighten your mother's love back.
Well patient with time everything will be okay.

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Maybe you should take things slow and try something new, something that will lighten your mother's love back.
Well patient with time everything will be okay.

It's true I should take things a little more calmly, but anxiety is powerful too haha, thanks for your advice, I hope that with time everything improves. c:

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Yeah, sure it will bro.
Greetings.

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