I Wish I Had Him (WE152)

May 8,2023

- Anonymous

It was another Sunday on my side, so I was out again wandering in my new place because my initial plan has been compromised by the weather forecast. I initially planned to visit a beautiful place in Hong Kong's backyard — Sai Kung. Prior to yesterday, I checked the weather forecast, and it stated that on Sunday, the rain has a big chance to pour heavily. So it left me no choice but to postpone my plan, and rather sleep longer. I just wished to see the beautiful place in dreamland. However, when I woke up late in morning, there hasn't been a single drop of rain so I felt disappointed. The weather forecast is no longer something I want to believe. So out of my weary state and disappointments, I made this post. But my disappointment however subsided when the forecast proved its claim. Later that day, a heavy rain truly fell.

In the afternoon while staying under a shed...

While sitting on the bench alone with an empty seat on my side waiting to be occupied by whomever wants to rest his or her butt on it, people kept passing by, usually group of friends and sweet couples who seemed to be sweeter than the fruit tea I ordered from a newly found tea shop.

I may not looked lonely, but the truth is, at the back of my mind, I also yearned for a company. It's been months that I've been traveling solo, and I keep saying that I am happy with my own company. But I will be lying if I say that, never in my mind I wished I had someone whom I could be with wherever I go, someone whom I could talk to anytime, share my feelings and emotions, failures and achievements, tears and laughter, and perhaps problems as well, to loosen up my heavy feelings.

I said here and there that I love traveling solo for many reasons, one of which is to avoid commitments. Besides, I am free to do anything on my own without minding what other people think about me.

I've just recently noticed the number of group photos of Filipinos on Facebook, all of whom seemed to be enjoying themselves while traveling and engaging in various activities with their respective groups of friends. I frequently consider how alone I am when I am feeling lonely. There are some places I want to visit that require a travel companion. It's not simply that I want someone to take my pictures, it would also be more fun to visit those places with a companion, especially when going to the islands and engaging in summer water sports activities like canoeing, surfing, and others that I yearn to experience.

I do have a travel buddy, but after a lengthy vacation, her schedule always conflicts with mine, so we don't see each other very often. I kept tagging her to see places I had seen on Facebook with me, but she would simply advise me in her comment to go alone because her schedule is constantly changing. I deeply felt sad about it. The second friend, meanwhile, seems to be out of my reach, and I'm no longer aware of her whereabouts. I'm not the type of person who would pursue someone just for my own benefit. So I decided to just let things happen as they did and go by myself.

Although there are people reaching out to me on Facebook asking permission to go with me on my solo travel, I just couldn't go with random ones as I don't feel comfortable with them. Some Filipina commenters on my posts also want to accompany me, but I always have a second thought about accepting their offer because of being introverted.

In the same way, I desire and don't want companionship. It may sound strange, but I am constantly debating in my head whether or not to open my window to others again. Although I love my introverted nature, there are times when I hate it! I enjoy being alone, but I also long for a small group, ideally no more than two or three people. On my travels, I do enjoy meeting new people, but I don't like meeting those from social media. I do sound strange, don't I?

"I wish I had someone with whom I could talk anytime and express my sad feelings, not over the phone but personally." Each time I see couples sweetly having PDA, which I hate as well for some reason, they remind me of someone I rejected who could probably be my companion only if I accepted him to enter into my life. But I was again hesitant at those times.

In my former home area, there was this Filipino man who was working in the building next to ours and kept approaching me whenever our paths crossed on the street. He kept asking whether we could be friends, but I kept dismissing him and just telling him no. One time, when he asked me why, I simply replied, "I don't like talking to guys," which was true.

As a woman who has been through deep pain and heartbreak, I am able to discern a man's true intentions from the way he looks at me each time I pass by his place. That is something I always want to avoid. He wants friendship at the beginning, then what's next? I wasn't thinking in advanced (although Filipinos are), nor was I assuming, but my intuitions are right most of the time. Perhaps my feelings were just trying to save me from further heartbreak in the future.

I sound bitchy when he's approaching me, but behind his back, my conscience would eat me up, and I pity him for some reason. What if he only wants companionship because, just like me, he feels lonely in this foreign land as well? Let me be honest and say that I thought about him when we relocated to this new place. Will he search for me or wonder why I no longer pass by his place? And sometimes, I would ask myself, "What if I allowed him to enter my life?* even just as a friend. Maybe, just maybe, I won't feel sad in my lonely days anymore.

This is in response to @galenkp's Weekend-Engagement 152 with the prompt:

Complete it
"I wish I had someone with whom I could…"

Should I say that this man made a lot of topics that always coincided with my current thoughts, feelings, and situations, making it easier for me to respond to his given concepts. This wasn't written for the sake of this prompt, but to express what I felt after reading his post. It's better to write them down than let those emotions consume me.

Anyway, happy new week, and thanks for stopping by.

(All photos are mine)

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