Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 683)
Hello Everyone!
Waking super early, Plenty of napping, Rambling on about time, Raking the leaves & The leaf scoop strikes again!
I only slept for a little over three and a half hours last night and it is now the wee hours of the morning (not all that long before four) and since going back to sleep has thus far eluded me... I figured I may as well do some writing. Having written just last night about wanting to start waking up at this time... I have no complaints and welcome the opportunity to enjoy the stillness of the morning accompanied by my dear friend espresso and the slowly churning cadence of my own thoughts.
At first I was awoken by some dream that I was having that started off okay but went further and further awry the longer that it lasted. I am unsure what the final bizarre occurrence was within it that jostled me awake but I was rather happy about it and suffice it to say that I am glad that it ended.
Lately I have been glossing over much of my innermost goings-on and while there is some wisdom to doing so I also know that by and large the real 'meat' of these entries (and their therapeutic value) comes from expressing/exploring said goings-on. That said though, I can only write what comes to mind in the moment that I am writing and forcing myself to delve into that stuff kind of goes against the grain of relaxing my mind and seeing what emerges.
To be clear here I have been avoiding the writing (in general) a lot lately and postponing it until much later in the day when my mind is fully awake and I am a bit more capable of steering my thoughts than I do when I first wake up. Sure the results (in my own perspective) have been a 'mixed bag' but by and large I think that doing so has helped me escape some of the (partially writing induced) mental feedback loops that I had gotten stuck on and mentioned briefly several weeks ago.
Undoubtedly my journey through life thus far has by no means been an easy one and often times I avoid bringing up a lot of stuff that has gone on, how it has affected me and of course how I have responded to it all over the years. Mainly I do that kind of 'avoidance' so that folks do not get the wrong idea, think that I am complaining, want pity, sympathy or some other shallow emotionally/mentally immature horseshit like that.
At this point it is safe to say that I am rather immune to what folks think of me, what I express or how I choose to live my life so yeah 'fear' has nothing to do with what I am expressing above. It is much more that once I start tugging on threads there is no way to effectively stop without unraveling the entire tapestry of my experiences... so yeah avoiding all that makes perfect sense to me.
Recently though I have been considering diving into a lot of that stuff and spelling out the more difficult memories in an effort to free myself from them or to just put them in perspective (or to rest) if at all possible. While these entries are assuredly not the place for such an endeavor they have given me a rough framework to work from and a method of 'how' to do it so we will see if I start another writing project... or if I just keep tossing the idea around and perpetuating the avoidance.
Perhaps if I wrote for profit instead of the reasons that I do I would feel differently about it all (and the writing in general) but alas the idea of 'profit' just is not that strong of a motivator for me. Basically if I cannot 'write from the heart' then there is not any point in doing it for me and yeah that sentiment extends to pretty much every facet of my life wherever 'profit' is involved.
Do not get it twisted there because sure profit is a necessary aspect of things if I want to be able to keep my phone bill paid each month and keep the critters fed. Overall though, I would rather do what I do out of love for whatever I am doing or as someone once put it to me: Doing things for the inherent value of doing them.
Which yeah is incredibly more meaningful to me than any mere 'monetary gain' ever will be... because is it really a 'gain' if I am wasting my time doing things that I do not enjoy, take no satisfaction from and that will ultimately lead me into depression, despondency and a soul crushing sense of futility that at the end (and beginning of the day) I will have to somehow justify 'short changing' my own happiness for?
Sure the notion of 'earning a living' via pursuing my passions and doing things I enjoy (no matter how hard or easy the work is) is rather appealing and all but when it comes right down to it... sacrificing any aspect of my psyche (or mental well-being) to do so seems downright horrific. Yes, I am well aware that most folks do make such sacrifices but hey most of them also appear to be made miserable by the process so go figure!
In short the very notion of 'trading my time for misery' is not even remotely appealing and while sure my life is lived in poverty with little in the way of comfort, conveniences or any kind of safety-net... it is at least a life that leaves me with a satisfied mind and the ability to make a choice each day on what I spend my time on. Believe me (or not) but I will take having those things over anything else any day of the week.
Alright, it is now a little while before sunset and the day was another wonky one because after waking up super early and writing all the above I fell right back asleep again a short time later. After that I kept doing the same thing where I would wake up for a while, piddle around and then fall back asleep. I have no idea how many times that occurred but whoa I sure felt well rested by the final time!
Eventually I did get outdoors and after washing some dishes I finally started raking up the leaves in the dog yard. Although I did not get all of them (nor try to) I did at least get all the ones in the main walkways raked up and tossed onto one of the compost mounds. Once again that giant 'leaf scoop' that I previously made sure came in handy for carrying the leaves.
Okay, if I am going to have any kind of relaxation time tonight I best call this entry 'good enough' and get on with the editing and posting portion of the evening. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night... or something like that!
https://peakd.com/c/hive-114308/created
Weldone Buddy
It is very nice to know you finally stood up, washed the dishes and raked the yard after waking and falling asleep right back, for how many times did you say?
I like this giant leave scoop, you made it yourself? I’m sure it does the job well.
Thanks for sharing.
I dunno how many times I fell asleep and woke up again.
Yeah, I made the scoop (from some fencing material) the last time that I had a lot of leaves to clean up.
Very creative with the leaf scoop.
You did a great job there, weldone