Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 631)

Hello Everyone!

Buckling up for the downward spiral, Housing insecurity is hell, So many failures & What would you do?

I once again awoke long before sunrise but instead of getting right up I kept letting myself drift back off to sleep so that I could continue dreaming. Although at the time the dreams were very engaging and very clear to my sleepy mind... they have now faded into the background and my mind is back to the all too familiar pattern of concern and worry that it has fallen into of late.

At least I got some good rest again and awoke feeling calm so there is that to be thankful for even if the path ahead in life is still an unknown. The uncertainty is what gnaws at me the most and it seems like no matter what I do I cannot shake the feeling that one way or another I have reached a very bleak dead-end in life.

Yeah, I know that I should be telling myself 'blah blah blah everything will be okay yada yada yada' but I just do not have it in me to believe that anymore. Once again I know it is the sense of loss that is at the root of such sentiments but hey if you had just spent roughly the last two thousand and thirty-five days doing what I have been doing just to reach the point I am at now... how would you feel?

As much as I break these entries up into different series there is always that 'prime timeline' that I look at from the day I first chose to start sharing my life as candidly as I possibly can. In other words it is just one long series of events for me and nothing as 'neat and tidy' as what it all may appear to be just because I like to reset the 'days' when I reach a new place.

Well, I keep writing stuff and deleting it here and once it was even what I consider to be a 'full entry' worth! Deleting anything in these entries is way outside the norm for me. So... I should probably take it as a sign that mayhaps I best just stop writing for now because alas I have already wasted many hours of the day with nothing to show for it but a bunch of frustration!

Alright, it is a bit later in the morning and I just got done doing some hiking which yeah I keep doing each day in an effort to clear my mind. It is really hit or miss on that front but it does seem to help a bit even if just for getting in some exercise. At this point anything that slows the process of my downward spiral (or helps avert it entirely) is a welcome endeavor!

I should probably get back to the practice of telling myself 'not to breathe anxiety into the world' but honestly I am choking on the stuff and am having a difficult time just 'holding my own' with the turmoil I am facing. There is also the little factoid that I feel incredibly uncomfortable being somewhere that I am not wanted at and with each passing day that sensation just keeps ratcheting up higher and higher.

My recent foray into looking into joining a community and having to share so much about myself with a stranger showed me that yup that was a 'one off' for me and I doubt that I will be doing either of those things again. To be clear there I just do not have it in me to get outside my comfort zone like that again, nor overcome my caginess on the 'hope and prayer' that something works out.

Hell, I would never have done either of those things to start with had my life not been abruptly catapulted into 'crisis mode' by the decisions of others! I am in no way dodging the blame there because alas I am the one that chose to believe in other folks and no one forced me into it... so please take it for what it is there and do not read too much between the lines.

What I was getting at, is that over the last many years I have tried, and tried, and tried to improve my life to the point where I could be capable of one day 'getting on my feet in life' and each time... I get the gods damned rug jerked out from under said feet and wind up in a worse position than I was before. Just in gear and wear and tear on my body alone the losses are incalculable and those are just the physical losses!

Oh how convenient it would be if I simply grew angry about everything, lashed out indiscriminately and more or less caved to the perpetual pigeon-holing folks enjoy doing to me... and yet I am not angry... I am not lashing out... and yup pigeon-holing (in my not-so-humble opinion) still reveals more about the one doing it than the one on the receiving end of it so go figure!

Of course I am saddened by it all, I am disappointed in the failures of not being able to work things out and yup I am totally at my fucking wits end as to what to do now. But as I so often do anymore I just sigh and let my faith in humanity sink to a lower depth than it was at before without losing my own humanity in the process.
Because why the hell would I sacrifice my own humanity just because other folks are lacking in it?

That is one heck of a valid question there and sure most folks do actually destroy their own humanity when faced with that kind of choice after being treated inhumanely by others but if one thing is for sure it is: I am just not most folks! Furthermore I do view it as 'the cowards way out' and doubt that I could (or would want to) live with myself after making such a choice.

Okay, it is later in the day now and I forced myself to take a nap in the hopes that I would awaken in a better mood but if anything I awoke feel bleaker than I did before! Apparently, I have hit the downward spiral portion of 'adjusting to my new reality' and although I keep trying to put the brakes on it nothing is working.

It is times like this when I almost wish that I had succeeded at being an alcoholic in life instead of failing miserably at it! I could at least blame (or drown) my sorrows on/in it and enjoy that happy little place of not actually giving a fuck about anything... until the next day! Perhaps now is not the time to be reminding myself of more failures but there you have it!

Mayhaps I am being too hard on myself thinking that I should be in a better head-space than I am. I mean hell I have more or less held it together for the last few weeks and it was not until the last few days that my attitude started to really tank. Of course that mainly has to do with the realization that I probably will not find a place to move to and cannot afford a move even if I did.

I am so fucking tired of the deck being stacked so heavily against me in life and while most folks would find someone (or something) to blame for it all... I just own it like the result of making poor life choices that it is. Sure (aside from my recent poor choices of trusting folks) I made most of those choices when I was much younger (and would undoubtedly make different choices now) but that is absolutely irrelevant and in no way makes me 'feel better' about any damn thing!

Between those poor choices, the perpetual poverty and navigating the pitfalls of doing the best to treat my own life traumas (and their resulting mental maladies) there is pretty much no chance that my life will ever amount to anything. That is a big fat zero, zilch, nada if you missed my point there! I mean hell the only reason I have made it this far is because I have been willing to work like a dog no matter how often I get kicked along the way!

At best what I (or anyone facing a similar situation) have to look forward to is living broken and penniless on the streets, winding up incarcerated (for who the fuck knows what but being homeless in this country almost ensures incarceration) or any number of fates equally as horrific as the aforementioned ones. Of course I have done my utmost to avoid all those things and find some way to make my disadvantages work for me the last few decades but we can all see where that has lead me.

Spelling it all out like that makes it all seem so stark and shocking but it is simply a reality and not just me going 'woe is me' or any horseshit like that. There are plenty of other folks who write such drivel in an effort for sympathy (or something) but as always my goal is: Understanding. Preferably brutally honest understanding so there can be no misinterpretation on the readers part as to exactly where I am coming from.

Obviously I am struggling at the moment and doing my best to keep it together but ask yourself what would you be doing in my situation?

I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.

I thought I was having a bad day then I saw this little critter getting drug around by fire ants!

More of the black muscadines are getting ripe!

Thanks for reading!

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That Is All For Now!

Cheers! & Hive On!