Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 1135)
Hello Everyone!
Reining in the weird feelings, Understanding is a potent medicine, A very long day & Some folks never give up!
Alright, I have to stop staring at the blinking cursor and actually begin writing something or even more time will slip by... and I will wind up even further off schedule. Even though I was 'on time' this evening with my routines... I am unsure if it really counts unless I actually write something.
For a while there I tinkered with the idea of skipping making an entry for today... just so that I could avoid struggling through all my conflicting feelings... but hey just because said feelings are running strong today... that does not necessarily mean that I should let them get in the way. Of course that is all easier said than done... but I am going to give it my best regardless.
Honestly, it has been a very mellow day for me and most of the 'super weird feelings' that I was having faded last night after chatting with someone about some of the projects that I have been working on. Not to get too sentimental here... but them simply taking the time to reach out had quite the impact upon me... and it also 'got my mind going' in such a way that I wound up dreaming about my projects... and having the best sleep that I have had in months.
In short, it all helped me overcome some insecurities that I was having about everything... and it left me feeling like I was not quite as 'out there' as I was feeling with my ideas. I would not quite call it a 'need for validation' as much as I would call it a 'need for understanding' which yeah are two totally different things that (in my perspective) should never be confused with each other.
To kind of sum that last bit up, I should say that with a lot of my projects I am exploring some rather 'far fetched' ideas (even by my standards) and although I can muddle my way through most of the technical aspect of things... I have to also be capable of sharing said ideas in such a way that others can understand them. Which yeah is not easy considering that the realm of my 'technical expertise' is fraught with all the challenges that come with being self-taught... along with me operating 'out of my depth' and having such a quirky personality to boot.
All of which I am fine with, but that said... it does not necessarily make 'putting things out there' any easier... nor does it make it easier to 'change my approach' when I have no idea what my actual 'approach' to a specific problem should be within the more 'traditional' way of doing things. Like I have remarked upon before I look at it all as an exploration... and myself as a prospector whose job it is to 'know the difference between shit and shinola' as the old saying goes!
Anyways, I am glad that I decided to abstain from drinking any booze for the holidays... and stuck with 'keeping my wits about me' instead because whoa my little brain does not need anything else weighing it down. It is incredibly difficult to point to one thing or another in my life at the moment (aside from my aging dog as I have mentioned a few times recently) that is having such a strong effect upon me... but it seems like the cumulative effect of many things are just wearing on me.
Not to rehash here what I have written about morale lately... but it seems like it is more vital than ever that I keep doing whatever I can to bolster it. A big part of that is definitely 'how I tell the story of my life to myself' (in a day to day way) and although I long ago left behind such things like self-pity or any horseshit like that... the reality is that yeah my life has had an incredible amount of sadness to it... and at times reconciling myself with it is rather challenging.
Do not get that twisted because I am in no way complaining about things... and am more saying that there is a heck of a lot of internal resistance to my morale improving. Which is just what happens once a person gets knocked down and has to pick themselves back up time and time again of their own accord... knowing full well that they will probably get knocked back down again at some unknown point in the future.
The thing is though... is that I have picked myself back up... I have kept trudging along... I have overcome immense trauma, anger, pain, suffering, depression, anxiety and a slew of other not-so-wonderful things... to get to where I am today with it all on a personal level. None of which is all that big of a deal (to me) because yeah the alternative to not 'getting over it' is even less appealing.
I also did it without becoming a total jerk or someone so jaded and broken that they abandon love, kindness and care for the living things of this world... including themselves. When it comes down to it (as sad as it is) I think folks have an easier time reconciling themselves with the folks who have abandoned those things... than those who have refused to.
Be honest and ask yourself which is easier to believe in: Those who predictably gave up... or those who (against all odds) refuse to give up? It is not a trick question or anything... and the way I look at is that (as with most things) the path of least resistance is the path most will take... not necessarily out of 'convenience' but because it simply takes less effort to reach a semblance of understanding about the 'who, what, why, when and where' of things.
Well, I guess I had a lot to say on that topic after all. Okay, wow after writing that previous sentence my phone (which never rings) rang... and it was someone that I have known for the better part of two decades in such a way that there are 'no illusions between us' so to speak. In other words they are one of those folks who after all these years I am still friends with... so you do the math from there!
Seriously, it was the best conversation that I have had in years and although I was in the middle of writing at the time... I blew it off altogether and focused my attention solely upon conversing. Five hours later our talk ended and all I can say is that they are also one of those folks... who have gone through the 'proverbial ringer in life' and also chose the path of embracing love and kindness at all cost... because the alternative is totally bogus.
Although, I really cannot get into it with this entry (given the now very late hour) it is worth mentioning that with every passing moment of our talk... I felt slightly 'lighter' and I think they did as well. Given that I seldom truly talk to anyone it was quite the treat and I am incredibly grateful that they reached out, and do not want to sully what I think about it all by spelling too much out here.
Suffice it to say that I will never stop being surprised by the kindness of others... or the resilience of the human spirit... when folks put their mind to doing so. I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice time.
https://peakd.com/c/hive-114308/created
That phone call must have been special. How nice they called.
I definitely think abstinence from booze helps us deal with things a bit better. I'm struggling a lot this month and it's been compounded by a few days of red wine, which has resulted in my hips hurting like hell, which is definitely a sign my body is telling me to listen up.
Yeah, the call was assuredly special and super out of the blue.
The booze is definitely one of those things that is good medicine sometimes and at others it seems to just foul things up. I have slowly gotten better at distinguishing between those times.