Holding unto what was lost - I don't want to say goodbye

I traveled down memory lane to when I was in senior secondary school, I had asked one of my classmates to lend me one of her notes during the day since I hadn't attended the previous class for that subject. Later that night when I was done copying from it, I lay down to sleep and saw her.

Fully dressed in her complete school uniform, she marched up to me and demanded her note.

“Hurry up, I'm leaving.” Were the only words she too spoke. I remembered handing the note over without a word of my own. The following morning, we heard that she had passed away sometime at midnight due to a brief illness.

I fell terribly ill for three days after that and only recovered when I was allowed to go home from the hostel as it was a boarding school.

My mom picked on the second ring.

“Mummy…” and tears choked my throat. I didn't know what was happening but I began sobbing uncontrollably, my mom didn't say a word. She spoke only when I was able to bring myself together.

“What's wrong my Treasure?” Her voice was calm but I felt it trembling.

When I told her about that dream, she rebuked me sharply.

“My mother has not lived her life to the fullest, she's not dying anytime soon. Put yourself together at once!”.

I bobbed my head up and down as if she could see me, then wiped my face with the towel hanging casually on a hanger close to my bed.

“Did you pray? When you see dreams like this, pray to God to reveal the meaning to you. Not everything is about death, You're not a prophet of doom.”

I kept bobbing my head up and down, concurring with everything she said to me. Telling myself that I wasn't a prophet of doom like she said and that the dream most definitely had some other meaning.

Three days later, I called my older brother to cajole him so he could send money to me for data subscription. I could tell from his voice that something was off but he wasn't letting me in on the information so I asked him.

“Didn't mummy tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“We lost grandma yesterday….” My phone slipped from my hands, thankfully, I was on the bed so it didn't scatter to pieces. “...but don't ask her about it yet. Since she didn't tell you, she probably didn't want you to know”. My mouth hung open in both shock and fright. The tears didn't even come then, I stopped myself from calling my mom almost five times that day.

She was able to call me the next day, “I just want to check up on you” was all she said. I didn't know how I began to laugh at such a moment. “What is funny?” she asked.

“Why aren't you telling me why you called me?” I asked back. Even when she told me her mother was dead, I didn't shed a tear. It was like I had said my own goodbyes in that dream, not until I heard Benson Boone’s ‘In the Stars’.

It was in a public vehicle I boarded to school one early morning. I happened to sit in the front seat because I was the first passenger, there was a soft song in the background but I didn't pay attention since it was an unfamiliar one until I heard;

“....I'm still holdin' on to everything that's dead and gone

I don't wanna say goodbye, 'cause this one means forever

And now you're in the stars and six feet's never felt so far

Here I am alone between the heavens and the embers..”

I looked up the song on the YouTube Music app immediately and plugged in my earphones to hear it myself.

It seemed like it was then the realization dawned on me that I would never see her again. Ever.