Old habits die hard
I went to the doctor again today. I tried telling her what the medications she prescribed before were doing to my body. I knew in my heart of heart that the fact that I couldn't stay away from my phone for a moment added to my stress level. So I had to confess instantly that I do not think the drugs were not working but that I haven't been able to give myself the luxury of resting.
I can't. Even though I try to sleep, my brain stays awake reciting every step of the day over again in my brain and planning the next steps and of course, what I'll be doing the next day. When I finally mentioned I had difficulty sleeping too, she was forced to ask what I had been thinking or worried about.
The look on her face revealed that she was worried I could worried about random things that should worry a young woman because once I told her no, I'm not worried about those things you are thinking, I am mostly thinking about work, she chuckled before asking me what kind of work I do. I am sure she's wondering what kind of work would make me lose sleep for two days straight as I confessed that sometimes I go for 48 hours without sleep.
It's weird to think that normal people have other circumstances that keep them up at night but mine is tailored towards writing. You would never understand unless you have to be in a space where everyone is so perfect you can't seem to see a single iota of imperfection that makes them human. I mean, literally, nothing.
So even coming from a place of excuse would look stupid and possibly they will tag you lazy. I have watched someone constantly being taunted with the idea to write more often, write more, just because everyone in the circle does it. And goodness, I wish I had her confidence to stay among people who write like their lives depend on it, yet, she stays stubborn, or should I say, true to herself, by only doing what she wants, when she wants to do them, not when the rest of the people want her to. She could turn on and off. One minute, she's going with the flow, writing, the next minute, she's gone for a week, without a single post on her blog.
I tried doing this in the last two weeks, believe me, right now, I feel like, it was a stupid idea. But it's not. It's just my human nature trying to guilt-trip me into thinking that taking a break to spend time with the love of my life was a stupid idea. It's my human nature trying to guilt-trip into thinking that even taking a break from anything would mean missing out on something. Whereas the only thing I could be missing out on is the pressure to conform. The pressure to be like everyone else.
Trust me, it's interesting to come up with good posts. I pat myself on the back whenever I do that. But believe me, with the high level of insomnia, migraine, and stress, that I am experiencing recently and not being able to recover from a simple malaria, I am beginning to question everything.
Is it worth it? What's the use of chasing the bag if I don't get to be healthy enough to enjoy it? Hah! This week alone I have gone on a spending spree. I allow myself to use my sickness as an excuse to buy takeouts. This is something I don't remember doing for the longest while. In fact, I think the last time I had take-outs, was 18 months ago. But since the very first day I fell ill, I haven't cooked anything.
I have a feeling the guilt will soon settle in once I feel okay. But then, I question again, what's the use of all the money, if I get seriously ill while chasing the bag?
One of the tablets my doctor gave me today was sleeping pills. I know I told @stevenson7 once that this is the line that I am hoping I'll not cross. But my doctor knows better, doesn't she?
I'll start taking them tomorrow. I just hope I'll not sleep so hard and I'll miss my badge. So, say a prayer for me.
PS: if you find me writing consistently even after this rant post, know that it has nothing to do with how my body feels, it's mostly because old habits die hard😀