Alchemist of the Void Inside
What is the void?
To me, it is the urge to scream a scream that, unintentionally, ends up failing. It is the desire to rebel against all the wrongs that have ever been done to me. It is the wish to change something and the inability to do so.
It was born from the hatred that others have for themselves and the way that hatred touched me—like a black rose, corrupted down to its stem by the dark essence poured into it as sustenance over time. The void, then, is not merely the absence of something, but a dense presence of pain and resentment. It carries the essence of wanting to change but not knowing how.
When is the void?
I found the void late, in my thirties, for the burdens of life had hidden it from me. I found it today. Despite its name, it appeared to me as a bottle, and instead of being empty, it was filled with poison. And the bottle made me take a sip. And I felt a little of what I had repressed. And I cried a little.
I read that the unconscious hides memories that the conscious mind is not ready to face. Perhaps the void has come to me only now because my unconscious believes I am finally prepared to start confronting it. It consumes me unless I consume it. Maybe. I hope I can filter this poison as I drink it, for otherwise, I will lose myself again, as I have so many times before. I only took a small sip. Despite the idea, I do not know how to do this.
How is the void?
But I realize that the void is not the poisoned bottle—it is the one offering it to me. Thus, I am given a second chance to process what is already inside me. If I manage to filter the poison the next time I drink, I will become a purer and more authentic version of myself. If that is not enough, the void will offer me another chance, and another. I just need to be responsible for how I handle this, even if I have to ask for help.
One of the answers that comes to mind is to take this poison alongside deep self-love, including gestures and rituals that remind me I deserved better than what I had. I believe that this mixture will nourish me rather than harm me, just like certain foods that are only deadly if not prepared in the right way.
Time will tell.
image: chatgpt
Hello @felipejoys. I opened ecency to jump on Hive to do my regular things and your post was at the top of my Feed.
Thank you for writing this brave, powerful post. If this is your truth, rather than an abstract piece of fiction, then there is much I can offer you at this time since dealing with the poison of the past is the work I do every day. I've been playing/working in this space for a decade so there is much I can share in small snippets here in the comments of your posts if you wish.
Only if you wish.
Wanted to offer as I want you to know that you're not alone and working through this stuff is something I could write about all day long.
Very big hug.
Conscious Cat, aka Caroline.
Hello @consciouscat! I am so glad you've enjoyed my post. It is absolutely the truth. Yes, I would like a couple of tips.
Ok, so in that case @felipejoys let me start by replying to a few things you've shared here as an entry point:
This is also my belief and understanding. The unconscious mind hides things from us to protect us until we have the capacity (key word) to deal with what we find.
The poison of our past experiences will cause us hurt/consume us for sure. For some people it will show up as mental health conditions, others as physical health issues, and for some people, both.
To the best of my knowledge (with a LONG time working with this kind of stuff) there is no way to "filter" the poison. Instead, the way to heal the poison is to do two things concurrently:
Drink the poison you find inside yourself in the smallest sips possible (it sounds like you've been practising this already which is great*), and
Keep increasing your "capacity" (ability or strength) to process more and more poison in ever larger amounts.
I'm going to assume you already know how to do the first one since you've mentioned it in your post.
When it comes to the second point, the way to increase your (nervous system) capacity is by listening to your body and giving it what it needs. This means eat when you're hungry, drink when you're thirsty, go to the toilet when you need to, express your coughs, burps and farts (if you can!) when you need to.
These might all sound very simple (too simple!) but most of us have been trained to push our bodies, to ignore it, to override it but that means the body doesn't feel safe enough to reveal the things it has been hiding.
And if we can't see/sense/feel/find the poison, we can't heal it.
So the number one job I think you (and anyone brave enough to look at the poison of their past and heal it) is to prioritise feeling safe.
I'll leave it there for today @felipejoys. I hope you'll take something from this and play with it! And if you have questions or there's anything in there that you don't understand, please feel free to ask.
!HUG
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Obrigado por promover a comunidade Hive-BR em suas postagens.
Vamos seguir fortalecendo a Hive
Bzzt, Felipejoys, eu entendi o vazio como um call para ir ao fundo da dor e da raiva, para descobrir o que me faz gritar e não apenas parar em um som inarticulado. Bzzzrrr, espero que você consiga agir da mesma forma, aprender a beber do poço sem perder a cabeça! #hivebr
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