pissing contest

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(Edited)

"You should go to the bathroom more often," I say to the dude in the Avalanche sweater who ambles out of the john shortly after the team ties the game.

"Did they score? I heard the commotion and almost ran out here with my dick hanging out to see what happened."

"Oh, you have a dick? That's cool. I have a vagina."

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I don't actually say that. I just laugh the laugh nobody has yet figured out is fake and pantomime him running out of the bathroom with his dick hanging out while I privately wonder why he needed to include his dick in his first impression on me.

Don't really wonder, though. Already know. I think he's embarrassed two seconds later. He can blame the booze if he wants. He points out my weird toe shoes and calls me weird and I agree. Super short conversation that is all kinds of failing on his end. Poor guy. I keep my eyes on the game. He goes back to his seat, back to his friends, where he redeems himself with a second-telling of his almost-hanging-out dick story to other dudes. Dudes that he knows. Dudes that also have dicks.

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Bars and guys at bars and being at bars again after years of not. It's interesting. Not like it used to be. I used to like getting drunk, once upon a time, but last Wednesday for Game Four I decided to try drinking two vodka sodas and all I got was a hot face and super dizzy. I left. Watched overtime at home with a gallon of water.

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I'm not fun anymore.

At least, not that kind of fun. But I still tip the bartender for my soda water with lime.

A period later and dude gets up to use the head again. While he's pissing, Lightning takes the lead. Dude comes back out without dick reference. I tell him next time to try using the women's restroom, maybe that will do the trick.

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All pictures and words copyright Anna Horvitz (me) and cannot be used without my consent and I've noticed that when dudes use the word "dick" in a blog all the big whales come running so hey whales, how do you feel when a chick does it?



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