A few selected jokes with accompanying photos and analyses
Greetings and salutations.
Below I have carefully compiled a selection of what I believe to be objectively above-average jokes from a randomized sample of nineteen of the top 100 comedians and humorists of all time as rated by the 1758 edition of Poor Richard's Almanack, as requested.
In all but one case I have provided attribution to the joke's original author; the single exception being necessitated, as you will no doubt see, by the fact that there is simply no record of the joke ever having not existed.
Where appropriate I have also provided analyses to aid the reader in fully understanding the jokes in their context; for as we all know, jokes once explained are jokes become that much funnier.
I trust that you are ready? Excellent. Let us begin.
What do you get when you cross a rainbow with a unicorn?
A cornucopia of comedy gold.
– Lucky the Leprechaun
What do you get when you cross a vacuum with an oven?
A roast where all the jokes suck.
– The Pillsbury Doughboy
What do you get when you cross Lucky the Leprechaun with The Pillsbury Doughboy?
Good question, let me get back to you on that.
– Sid Phillips
Analysis
The Pillsbury Doughboy is fat and out of shape, while Lucky the Leprechaun is athletic, spry and, well, lucky. Therefore, and hypothetically speaking of course, if we were to arm these two characters with pointed sticks and force them to fight to the death in a pit we dug in the ground, the odds of winning would be about 10 to 1 in Lucky's favor. In order for the Doughboy to win, something extremely unlucky would have to hypothetically happen to Lucky, such as slipping on some mud and falling directly onto the sharp end of his opponent's stick, or maybe having one of his arms broken by an intruder the night before the big hypothetical fight. So, it makes the most sense to put all of your hypothetical money on Lucky here. Great! Can't wait to see how this hypothetically plays out.
How many tiny people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least two.
– Anonymous
Analysis
Screwing in a light bulb is not recommended for people who are more than one inch tall. Always use protection when screwing in a light bulb. Never screw in a light bulb if the power is on. Side effects may include electrocution and/or first-degree burns. Ask your doctor if screwing in a light bulb is right for you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she thought it would be funny.
– Chicken Run
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To pull that lying cheating piece of shit rooster out of the ditch where he landed and drag him back onto the blacktop so she could watch him get hit by a car again.
– Chicken Little
Analysis
The original answer to the question of a chicken crossing a road is To get to the other side. This may have seemed humorous back when racist minstrel shows were at the height of their popularity in the 1840s and '50s, but ever since the summer of 1863 when a team of researchers at Yale University discovered that slavery was bad, it hasn't been funny. It is now generally accepted in the modern global humor community that all answers to Why did the chicken cross the road EXCEPT To get to the other side are funny answers.
The mechanic called about your car. He said he had good news for you!
– Frank Hardy
The IRS called. They said normally you'd have to pay taxes on that income, but they'll let you off the hook this time!
– Joe Hardy
The doctor called. She said the testicular cancer is somehow completely gone, and you now have the ability to simply deactivate your sperm if you're fucking someone you don't want to impregnate!
– Fenton Hardy
God called. He said he wants to promote you to omnipotent!
– Franklin W. Dixon
Analysis
Everyone was wrong this whole time. Life actually is all rainbows and unicorns!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Humor is easy
And so is your mom's dream interpretation.
– Sigmund Freud
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Poetry sucks
And so does your dad's shop vac.
– Figment Droid
Analysis
What is your dad doing in the flower bed with that shop vac? Why is your mom sleeping with her head in the oven?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug the drug dealer.
Oh hey, Doug.
Hey. Here are your drugs.
Thanks. Here is your money.
Thanks. See ya.
See ya.
…
…
…
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police.
Shit!
– The Police
Two mules walk into a bar. The bartender says Sorry, this is a drug-free zone.
– "Carlos"
Analysis
Don't ever trust the police, they are not your friends. If the police were your friends, they wouldn't go undercover as a drug dealer named Doug and sell you marijuana and LSD to take the edge off the living hell that is major depressive disorder and then come back at night when you're high and vulnerable to kidnap you and lock you in a cage for the crime of trying to improve your life. But the bartender—the bartender gets it. You can talk to the bartender. He understands. Sure, maybe it slipped his mind that technically alcohol is a drug too, but he'll pour you a stout on the house and listen as you wax eloquent about how much fun you're gonna have later with the brick of cocaine they shoved up your ass right before paddling you across the Rio Grande. And when you accidentally get a bit too drunk to safely drive drunk he'll call you a cab, and he'll make sure management promises not to tow your car before you can sober up and come pick it up the next morning. So just keep this advice in mind, kids, and you'll do fine in life—cops bad, bartenders good.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
** crickets **
Hello? Is anyone there?
** crickets **
Well, I guess no one's there.
– Pinocchio
Analysis
If Pinocchio hadn't been tripping so hard on acid that cold fateful winter night he would've recognized the sound of his friend's voice and opened the door, but he was and he didn't, so poor Jiminy ended up freezing to death right there on the front porch. On the one hand it would probably be a real bummer to lose one of your friends that way, but on the other hand now that Pinocchio's conscience is dead he won't have the capacity to feel bad about what he's done when he opens the door for a smoke in the morning and finds the body.
A bartender walks to a place where two roads diverge in a yellow wood. The bartender says I'll take whichever one of you is less traveled.
– Robert Frost
Analysis
The bartender doesn't make enough money at his regular job and has to work a side hustle as a drug mule, which explains his preference for the road less traveled.
A rabbi walks into a bar mitzvah.
– Larry David
Two rabbis walk into a gas chamber.
– David Irving
Analysis
People are very easily offended. Always remember to ask yourself Why when you find yourself in an uncertain comedy situation. Why, for example, did the rabbi walk into the bar mitzvah? Perhaps it had just started raining outside, and he didn't have an umbrella, so he simply stepped into the nearest synagogue for shelter where a bar mitzvah happened to be underway. Or maybe he'd been out in his back yard reading Leviticus to his flock of sheep when suddenly one of his cleverest chickens figured out how to use a crowbar to compromise a weak point in the fence, and before you could say Holy of Holy Shit that chicken had crossed the road to get into the bar mitzvah, leaving the rabbi with no choice but to give pursuit. It's really hard to say. For all we know the rabbi could have been nursing a grudge against someone for a really long time now, and this just happened to be the day he finally snapped, walked into a bar mitzvah, and whipped out a couple of Uzi pistols and started shooting. The main point to all of this, of course, is that if you really think the Holocaust never happened, then I really doubt anyone's ever gonna give much of a fuck if an angry rabbi decides to walk up to you and send a few rounds of heavy metal projectile flying through your face in broad daylight.
An alcoholic walks into a bar.
– God
Analysis
God, that's not funny at all.
What's weird is: Had you not explained the jokes (as you should and every good comic knows that which is why you always see them doing it), I would have been sitting here confused, feeling as if you're trying to insult me or my intelligence, while all the others in the room are laughing, most likely at ME since I'm being insulted and they know I don't like it when people laugh at me so they're just doing it to be jerks and I fucking hate jerks because they're fucking assholes and I don't understand why they think it's so funny to be treating me like this!
I hate you people! You think you're so smart!
But I know what you're up to and you can't fool me!
— Narcissistic Sociopath at a comedy show
lol
explanation: Not league of legends or lies on lies - the exclusive wives' secret society
Are you making fun of me?!?
(LoL)
Welcome, friend! How do you feel about getting away with murdering all those people who laughed at you?
– Manipulative Psychopath at a comedy show
That's about the only thing that'll fix these people! Would you like to borrow my lighter?
— Narcissistic Sociopath at a comedy show finally feeling a sense of inclusion while quickly exploiting one's generosity in order to get the job done without getting their hands dirty plus looking forward to seeing the place burn because they deserved it and this is doing society a service and in the meantime looking around for a child to rescue in order to look like a hero in the newspaper afterwards
Gimme that lighter, those jerks are as good as dead. Also I heard there's a helpless baby in the front row that's gonna need some rescuin' real soon here and the local newspaper editor owes me a real big favor.
– Manipulative Psychopath at a comedy show
You light the fire, I'll get the kid all the way there up in the front row, furthest from the door.
— Narcissistic Sociopath that doesn't realize they just got duped by a Manipulative Psychopath that just scored a free lighter at a comedy show
Can you blame me though? Lighters ain't as cheap as they used to be.
– Manipulative Psychopath at a comedy show
No I'm not trying to "kidnap" your baby! Can't you see there's a... fire?
What the hell! You had one job!
— Narcissistic Sociopath at a comedy show
Whoopsie.
– Manipulative Psychopath at a comedy show
A rabbi walks into a bar mitzvah.
– Larry David
Two rabbis walk into a gas chamber.
– David Irving
good dark stuff in the morning
:D
Start your day off right with some dark !BEER
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.You forgot this one. It was just hanging around and pretty mad to you for leaving it out. But I'll fix it for you.
A bar walks in to a mitzvah and says:
Knock knock.
Chicken answers:
I'm all out of unicorns.
The police says:
But I'm here for the light bulb.
– Anonymous after a joke blender that is sold at your local market for 9.99.
Using a joke blender may cause incomprehensiveness, disorientation, confusion, blindness and inability to laugh normally ever again.
I feel like my whole world is upside down now.
I crashed your joke party. But there's always room for one crasher.
Joe Hardy's a stone cold liar.
In other words, he's an IRS informant who uses jokes to get your attention like all the people who play with facial features on their phones for attention when really they're selling their facial recognition to China. Fuck you, Joe Hardy, I know your tricks.
You can't trust none of them Hardy dudes. They're all corrupt government cronies.
Your analysis is astonishing. Although, you have forgotten one.
Analysis
A 12 years old spoiled brat insinuates that people calling him out for being fucking useless are just salty, or have a pain in their ass, or they are the ass, actually, you're right not to analyze it.
Now how did I manage to forget that one?
Have a !BEER!
View or trade
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.Hey @comedyopenmic, here is a little bit of
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from @brandt for you. Enjoy it!Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your
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.I think the doughboy might win. He is dough - he can just cover Lucky all over and try to smother him, and it is hard to injury dough by poking it. But...Lucky could probably just eat him. Alright, yeah, you're right. Lucky wins.
Lucky wins, no question about it! Put all your money on Lucky. There's definitely no way Lucky would show up to the big fight with a broken arm and somehow lose to Doughboy!
Everyone knows doughboy is out of shape anyway, ever since that fight with the rolling pin.
Thank you for the explanation. It made it easier to understand
I didn't know about this challenge
Good job @brandt
Manual review dreemport
You know what they say, jokes are always funnier when you explain them! ;)
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Oh welp, I needed the explanation 😆 made them way better and easy for my humorless brain to understand.
Mission accomplished.
Have a !BEER!
Thank you.
View or trade
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.Hey @khaleesii, here is a little bit of
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BEERKING
.I feel like I just got out of a weekend workshop on The Physics of Humor. I bet the inside of your brain looks like a steampunk festival at the beginning of a mushroom trip.
I've never heard that Police song, are you sure that wasn't Sting?
By the way, I have a present for you. Somebody beat me to the shit-post how-to, but I still thought you should have this:
Let me know if you want me to tag monochromes.
Thanks for the little bag of dog shit, it's beautiful! I'll put it in my fridge right away so it stays fresh.
That actually feels like it's pretty close to nailed it.
Please don't tag monochromes thanks :D