The gift of gratitude

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder" — G. K. Chesterton

First of all, a disclaimer: I try not to buy into the propaganda surrounding Christmas and New Year's Eve. For that reason, my words might come across as somehow bitter to some readers, even though I'm just being my usual self. Which can be bitter, yes, but also sweet. See what I did there? Anyway, there's plenty of bittersweetness to savour these days, particularly considering the pandemic. And I'm not just talking about Covid-19, but also about depression, obesity, and other widespread consequences of our modern way.

Sometimes we forget that, regardless of the occasion, every day is a new opportunity to show gratitude and to move forward. For as long as I can remember, I've seen people waste the last months of the year in the hope for a new beginning, a reset of sorts, starting on New Year's Eve. We are encouraged to write our resolutions for the next year, often neglecting what we can do now. Why wait?

Of course, there is some kind of energy associated with the transition between a year and another. A chance to reflect on the road we've traveled and the destinations ahead. It's just important to remember that any day is as good as January 1st to take the first step. Any step, for that matter, as long as it's forwards. Since I was a teen, I've taken this date to look back into the last 364 days, and every year I pick one or two memorable events to remember it by. For example, 2018 was the year I got my Scuba Diver SSI certification. 2019 was the year I didn't lose myself. 2020 was the year I didn't lose any loved ones. And 2021... is the year I found myself.
 

The turning point

 
At 00:00, January 1st this year, I was closed on myself. Desperate to numb residual pains I couldn't seem to get out of my chest. I remember being alone, in my jammies, feeling like the tiniest particle of dust in the universe. I was watching the TV show Friends, looking back into the past, any past that wasn't mine. In that state, I ended a year and started another, to my high discomfort, because I believe in the immense power that thoughts and energy have on us. Especially our own.

At 00:01, after having stared at the clock for sixty painful seconds, my inner voice made a choice. I just didn't know it yet, but it unfolded progressively, and it continues to do so. All in its own time. In the first trimester of the year, I gathered the courage to leave a severely underpaid job where I worked a minimum of 12 h a day. It took every ounce of bravery because I don't like being unprepared and the road ahead seemed blank. Still, deep inside, I trusted my guts and knew it was the right thing to do, and that my toolkit had what I needed to make it through.

In the second trimester of the year, I was swimming in turmoil. Sometimes about to drown, sometimes pleasantly enjoying the undertow. A choice I had to make but wish I didn't was to push away my lifesaver. The kid whose presence brightens my every day. My littlest brother. It was a very hard thing to do; I cried almost every night, couldn't sleep for more than two hours straight. There were events I needed to process far, far away from my mother. Being absent from my brother's life for months on end for that reason became collateral damage I couldn't avoid. I wish I could re-do it in a better manner, less hurtful to him, but alas, I can't. Thankfully, that period ended. I'm relieved and proud to say today that we are closer than ever.

The third trimester, on the other hand, felt like a puzzle falling into place. I could feel my every step making waves in the ocean of the future, and even though I couldn't see past the surface, I knew. And it felt good, to tiptoe around in the water. Comfortable. Safe. I was being guided, and I listened closely. The day I finally made the conscious choice of writing again, after a year-long hiatus, is one I'll treasure forever. I let the decision sit for a few days, and then, I carefully crafted my new identity. The true one.

Of course, I'm not referring just to my Hive persona, Eliza, the daughter of chaos. She is part of the unfolding, the peeling of the onion. But it's merely a scratch on the exterior. The rest is not for anyone to witness, how could it be? Most wouldn't even understand. And it's better that way. It's my journey.
 

About gratitude

 
I recall hearing about someone, many months ago, that recommended going on a walk into the terminally ill wing of a hospital. He, in all his human disgustingness, maintained that it was the best way of cheering oneself up on a bad day. When thinking back, the anger and rage still flood me in a dangerous way. You see, THAT is not gratitude. The suffering of others is not there to please our selfishness and make us feel better about what we have. If that's the only way a person can feel gratitude... Well, that would speak volumes of their inhumanity.

This year leaves me with a special lesson, paired with some memories, people, that I will hold very dearly for the rest of my life. Gratitude is not something that can come from outside us; it has to shine from within. We can, and we should, be capable of slowing down time a little to contemplate life, that precise moment we're in. Although it is often defined as the feeling that comes after receiving a present, I think that gratitude is the gift itself. We can choose to be grateful, and therefore appreciate the value of every second we're given.
 

This post responds to yet another amazing weekly topic, proposed by Galen for the Weekend Engagement. You can find the original post, containing all the prompts and rules, here. If you're reading this and haven't participated, kindly allow me to encourage you to do so. I promise you'll have fun! And if you've already written your entry, be sure to check other authors' take on the topic. There are a lot of interesting views out there.

^{I'd like to thank you for reading this. I hope my words resonated with you in some way. If they did, or even if they didn't, I'd like to further connect with you, so I invite you to drop a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can.}