Scenes from the void pt. 3: dissolve, dilute, delete
Today, the migraine is gone. Even so, the thing within me is screaming at the top of its lungs. It's crawling on my throat, fighting to get out. My head smells like blood inside. I try to contain the nausea, the fucking nausea of being alienated, the only human on this alien planet. Jean-Paul Sartre looks down on me from somewhere in the universe. "Poor girl", he mutters.
📷 © @beautifulwreck.
I had no choice but to get the sketchbook. The lines resisted to me at first. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. The drawing said nothing to me. It was incomplete, dissolved, diluted. Feeling kind of defeated, I decided to 'play' with the balance of color and shadow.
📷 © @beautifulwreck.
Once the color red started popping out more, it clicked. Now we're talking, I thought. The sketch/watercolor had something to say, at last. And I listened, very carefully. Oh, I listened indeed.
📷 © @beautifulwreck.
I noticed a very small detail that shook me quite a bit. The chain resembles an umbilical cord. And isn't that appropriate, I thought. By that moment, words were stringing on their own, yelling at me, composing the poem I quote down below.
📷 © @beautifulwreck.
Mom, dad
why
did you drop a baby
headfirst
into this mess
of a world
Dad,
why
did you speak to me
only
after your death
Mom,
why
did you push me
away
if you knew
I had a leash
on my neck
You put it there
I cut it
Mom, dad
why
did you think
a baby
was a game
I'm not a game
I breathe, I move
but
I'm not alive
yet
Mom, dad
why
do I have to carry
your burdens
your hate
your sadness
your mistakes
as mine
Delete me
I don't want to
do this
anymore
I will vomit
my insides
out
Into the paper
into the floor
into the world
Away
where they can't hurt me
And when they're gone
alone
I'll cry
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Thank you!! Looking forward to the 100 HP from payouts :D
You're welcome @beautifulwreck 😊👍
Wow! This is intense. Thanks for sharing it with the world.
Depression is the opposite of expression.
Sending you love!
Did I connect you to my friend @clareartista yet?
You might be interested in partaking in her group painting sessions? Check out her blog for more info.
I might join in too ;^)
Also, Clare, I think you'd love my new friend @beautifulwreck 's work :^)
Woah, that sounds really cool! I will definitely check that out.
Nice to meet you, @clareartista!
Thank you for visiting my blog, Vincent, and for appreciating my forms of expression. I'm kicking the depression outta here to give space to the colors!
Sending much love your way too.
De nada, amiga :^)
Abraço!
Brave soul, dearest @beautifulwreck - brava for putting this piece into the light, and speaking so eloquently what the nature of our incarceration is. It is beautifully held in this image, and I echo your feelings - there is such Light, Colour, Power and Real Life beyond the shackles, and we're specifically here in this moment to draw attention to them and to break them. Amazing work you're doing, and we're doing!
Blessings, and thank you lovely @vincentnijman for connecting us here - you are both VERY welcome to join our next painting sessions on Wednesday 1st December at 10 am and 5 pm Rome Italy (Central European Time), here's the link: https://meet.jit.si/ClaresArthouseStudio
Thank you, @clareartista, for such beautiful words. I feel seen and understood. As you say, amazing work you're doing, and we're doing!
I look forward to joining the painting session to start the month with the right vibrations.
Have a blessed Sunday!
Aw, wonderful dear friend - see you then!
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Awesome! I love these ways of connecting, on here. It's even more important - now - in these times of separation.