Tonight I realised for the first time in six months I had forgotten to take a picture of Bella. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but to me it was, it was significant and I just realised just now why.

I found a lump

You see a few months ago I found a lump in my left breast. For someone who's never sick and generally lives a very charmed life health wise this was huge shock for me.

Bella was only about 3 months old (maybe less) when I found it and even though I was surprised to find it a part of me also thought it was somewhat inevitable considering I harboured ill feelings in my heart that I was blocking instead of releasing. I considered the lump a physical manifestation of my emotional baggage.

Once I realised that I began sending out forgiveness to people, to myself and released it all. So even thought it is what it is, I no longer rehash it or give it energy ~ not the way I used to.

I also decided to get it checked out and got an ultrasound. Our doctor told me there was fluid and debris in the cyst and that I needed to get it aspirated.

Weeks passed in between the initial ultrasound referral, to the actual ultrasound, and more weeks passed between the ultrasound and seeing the doctor to get the results and the referral for the aspiration, and then C19 happened.

This whole time despite trying not to stress out about it I couldn't help but think of Bella and how precious our time is together. How, worst case scenario she might grow up not knowing me or how much I loved her. So I began taking selfies of us, just in case..

Aspiration Day

After weeks of waiting I finally got the procedure done this morning.

It took the doctor, I shit you not, about 1 minute to inject the local anaesthetic, put the needle in and draw out the fluid. I watched the screen and saw the fluid disappear and they showed me the fluid which looked like breastmilk.

Apparently this is a common thing with women who are breastfeeding. Ducts gets blocked up, for no apparent reason, and they will then have come in to get this same procedure done.

I didn't realise how much it all weighed on me until I got out of there.

Even though the fluid still needs to get tested (results will be in next week) I'm confident it's nothing serious and for the first time in months I don't feel the discomfort of having a huge lump on my breast. Also the longer I left it the more paranoid I felt thinking it would burst.

Tonight when I forgot to take Bella's photo I realised it was because I could relax and not think I had to document every moment because I was dying.

Photos arent just about the image itself or about capturing memories, it's also a reflection of how the photographer sees something. It might sound silly but I wanted to leave the photos behind so Bella could see how I saw her.

But because I'm on a streak, have not missed a day in 6 months and today's a significant day, I turned the light on and took the cover picture.

How innocent, oblivious and at peace does she look? She's just everything ❤