At That Age

Before when I was in Grade school,

I've always wondered what life a high schooler has, especially when they're on their senior high years.

On some days, I would whisper to myself "I wanna be on senior high already. I wanna be mature. I wanna look cool."
But of course, time goes slow every time you wish something to go fast.



Being a kid was kinda boring. You don't get to do much. There's always a "no-you-can't-do-that-you're-too-young-just-play-instead" motto. And considering that I was in a very strict household, I could never do most of the things a kid can experience in their childhood.

Like the pandemic, my childhood was on lockdown.

When I finally became a High schooler,

a Senior to be precise, I've encountered a lot of new things:

• I was slowly introduced to alcohol.
• Bullying got worst cause it was now physically inflicted.
• Insecurities got even higher.
• Academics were a bit hard for me to complete. Though at the time, it was hard, now, when I try looking back at it, it was just simple math, english and the such. But really, I never passed most of my academics back then. Especially math... damn those mathematics.
  
  

Now that I'm in senior high, I can do most of the things now, but there are still limitations because you're not "at that age" yet. Society still regards you as a "kid".

On some days, I would whisper to myself, "Ah, I wanna be in college now. I wanna be even more mature. College people can do the fuck they want already. I mean, they're in college. They're more free."
But of course, time goes slow every time you wish something to go fast.

Years went by and the next thing I know, I was now applying for college.

When I got to college, freedom has slowly expanded itself. But, limitations are still there. You are being monitored day and night cause your parents are worried you might get into alcohol or worst: engage in sex and get pregnant.

But because of that tight and strict government in the house, I lied my way through pleasure:

Alcohol, sex, late night shenanigans with so called friends.

I didn't do drugs and smoking though. Medically, my lungs wouldn't even last a single puff. I was too scared and knew the consequences on doing those shit. But its good shit. I know.


Now that I'm in college, I can do most of the things now, but there are still limitations because you're not "at that age" yet. Society still regards you as a "high school brat".

College life crisis.

Fuck. So this is what stress means. Academics, insecurities, friendships, bullies, being proactive on school activities, enticing your professors to like you so that they'll "at least" give you a passing grade, and a whole lot tons of shit.

This is where I knew how ugly I was physically and personally as a person.

Pressure went high because your family EXPECTS TOO MUCH OF YOU, THINKING THAT AFTER GRADUATION, YOU'LL FIND A GOOD PAYING JOB AND BE SUCCESSFUL AND BE FUCKING RICH. PREDICTING ALSO THAT THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY TIME THEY'LL RESPECT YOU AND BE PROUD OF YOU. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Sorry, got a little bit carried away there. My bad.



On some days, I would whisper to myself, "Ah, I wanna fucking work already. Academics are so tiring. I wanna earn money and be fucking free! Like feel the fucking freedom is on its peak! Fuck this college life."
But of course, time goes slow every time you wish something to go fast.

And here we are, the present.

Looking back and comparing the freedom I have before, I would probably wish to go back being a grade schooler. You don't have big responsibilities, your burden is very very light, depression wasn't even that strong (unlike now, to the point where I wanna commit suicide. But I'm fine guys, I won't do it. It's the voices. LOL Harley), you don't have to problem finances because you are being sustained day by day. (Not to mention you can just freely ask for money from your mom anyway.)

The freedom may be tight but the burden is very light.

I would trade anything to have that and feel that kind of freedom again. Nowadays, it's just... everything just seems so depressing. The news, the people, the environment, everything is just sad and tiring. Though I know that there is still a rainbow in between of them but mostly? Its just very depressing.


I'm exhausted. I really am exhausted.


I am really depressed. Especially on my finances. I don't want to regard money as the God of my life but slowly...it tries to magnify itself within me already. Its scary, its so demanding, its tiring.

The weight of the pressure is deeper than the depths of the sea.
The burden was too heavy for even God to carry.





Now that I'm working, I can do most of the things now, but there are still limitations because you're not "at that age" yet. Society still regards you as a "worthless human being".

On some days, I would whisper to myself, "Ah, I wanna go back."
But of course, time didn't respond anymore. It just went ticking...fast.